My new hobby

I like to go to google images and type in random words and see the funny-ness that ensues. The following picture was found when I typed in "Mexican Fart."

I SUPER don't like Peyton Manning, so this is pretty accurate to me even though the lay person might not necessarily think of "Peyton Manning" and "Mexican Fart" as being synonymous.

Next, I typed "Gay Gorilla."


Finally, I typed "Spunk."

This one is funnier to me than the Peyton Manning Mexican Fart. I would love to have the money and resources to ruin things that thousands of people see on a daily basis. If I ever win the lottery, I think I'll just make it my life's work to "punk" everyone in Olympia and eventually the world.

I'm so glad I'm not 19 anymore.....

Look, I have a lot of weaknesses and faults when it comes to dating and men....but Jesus Christ. Does this girl not have girlfriends to ask about this? Oh, and just because I'm a super bitch....did this girl attend school at all? Was she too busy giving the douchebag in question too many blowjobs under the bleachers to attend English class? Did she not learn how to correctly form a sentence or spell? And note how she uses the word, "inedible". She uses it in place of "inevitable". What a fucking idiot.

Application for Boyfriend

I keep up with several funny blog websites. One of my favorites is holytaco.com. They posted an entry with a Girlfriend Application that was pretty funny. I was inspired and created my own Boyfriend Application in response. It took me awhile to figure out how to convert my excel spreadsheet to a picture to get it on here...but I eventually got here. Luckily I have no life and the time to do these kinds of things. First the holy taco entry:



Now, my masterpiece:



I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for this one. I wish more than 4 people read my blog.....

Funny shit

So, on a daily basis I wish at least once that I carried my camera with me at all times. I like to observe and watch people and things and I invariably end up seeing pretty funny, fucked up or interesting things. Mostly funny and fucked up, which makes them interesting. The other day I saw a super beefed up Jeep Cherokee. Not only did it have a sweet bumping system (note the sarcasm there) (which, also by the way, did these systems not go totally out of style once I graduated high school 10 years ago...I thought they did. I must be wrong), but it had ENORMOUS truck tires and a lift kit. You seriously would need a step ladder to get into this Cherokee. This was one of the most retarded things I'd seen in a long time. It's one thing to try to make up for your small dick by having a giant truck that you have to lift to the sky, but when you inherit a fucking Jeep Cherokee from your mom (who is unarguably more of a man than you) and have to lift IT to the sky....there are some serious problems here. This is more that a case of small dick-itis...it very well could be a case of your balls not having yet dropped-itis. So anyway, I wished I had my camera when I saw this "vehicle" so that I could post it on my blog and note what a douche the driver is.

Today I saw a car with a license plate frame that read "Vietnam Era Vetran". Yeah, veteran is spelled wrong. It was spelled wrong on the frame. I tried to take a picture of it with my cell phone, but I couldn't zoom in far enough to clearly get the words. So, either the veteran is an idiot or the person that made the frame is an idiot or both. I'll venture to say that one or both fucked too many syphillitic vietnamese hookers over there in the jungle.

In conclusion, I will be carrying my camera with me at all times from now on and I will try to take pictures of the retarded things and people I see and I will humiliate them here on my blog.

Facebook Friends

This is probably going to sound snobby, bitchy and rude....but when has that ever stopped me before, right?

I realize that sites like myspace and facebook are for connecting with friends, coworkers, family and reconnecting with people you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. And I appreciate that, I really do. I have two issues with this however....

Issue One: We were friends in high school, you request me as a friend to "reconnect" (so I think), I write you an email or wall message to say that it's good to hear from you....and then nothing. I get no response. Why did you request me as a friend if you in fact have no interest in connecting with me? Look, I super don't care if you care about me, but don't act as if you do by sending me a friend request. I have deleted about 6 people from my friends list on Facebook due to this. Don't bother, if you're not going to talk to me. It's really pointless.

Issue Two: I have gotten a few friend requests from people that I knew of but never actually had a conversation with in high school. Again, why are you requesting me as a friend? In this situation, I know for sure that you won't be writing me asking what I've been up to, because you didn't know what I was up to 10 years ago when we were in English together. I seriously don't get it. So, I deny these requests. Bitchy? Yes. Rude? Maybe. Practical? Definitely.

Look, if we haven't talked in 10 years, there's probably a reason. Let's go ahead and leave things the way they are. I'm happy with it.

Reason number one why I'm not sure I'll be attending my 10 year high school reunion this summer: See above.

Other people's misery makes me want to do cartwheels

Oh Jesus....maybe you are real. Maybe you decided to perform a real miracle just to prove to me that you are in fact the messiah.....

Doubtful, but I'm still happy nonetheless! I got a random email from Jim the married guy just a few short minutes ago. He asked me if I'd like to see his divorce papers. Before writing him back I checked the divorce announcements at The Olympian online....lo and behold. Ah, satisfaction.

See, the last time was saw each other was in July. After that rendezvous, we made plans to meet up again the next week. I never heard from him again (I know, story of my life, right?). I figured he had seriously pussed out and gone back to the psycho bitch. Not that I know she's a bitch, I mean my only view of her is what I had heard from Jim. And I'm sure he exaggerated in order to stay in my pants. The reason I thought this was two fold. One, he's a pussy. Two, he had his wedding ring on when he came over to my house that last night in July. I laughed when I saw it and asked him what the hell he was doing wearing it. He came up with some lame excuse about wearing it for a meeting with their lawyers to make himself look like a good guy. Retarded.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since July. HE didn't call ME. And he has the balls to write me an email 8 months later???? I think he might actually be the biggest douche I've ever known.

So in conclusion, hurray for divorce and I hope she took him to the cleaners. Not that he really had much to take......

Afterthought.....I just realized that the truly awesome part of this, is that I have absolutely no interest in hooking back up with him. I can think of a million things I'd rather do that even see him. I feel pretty darn good about that!

Was I not clear enough when I said to shove your friendship up your ass???

I thought it was a pretty clear indication that I didn't want to be your fucking friend. You hurt me and didn't want to date me and I'm supposed to want to be friends with you? Oh, and it really upsets you that I don't want to be your buddy? I could not possibly care less that you are upset. In fact, I'm HAPPY that you're upset. Although, I suspect that you also couldn't care less if you're actually friends with me.

Oh, AND.... texting me on Valentine's Day.....the one day of the year designed to make me feel worthless for being single (which I didn't until you texted me) would definitely NOT be the ideal day to contact me and wonder why we can't be friends. You just seriously don't get it, do you?

I officially hate texting. You get to say what you want without actually having to be a man and face the people you're "communicating" with. Plus, you get to assign context to what you're saying that people inevitably take completely OUT of context and it confuses everything and everybody. It's a pussy form of technology and I want to boycott it.

The girls and I went to see He's Just Not that into You yesterday. In it, Drew Barrymore's character says that now we have to endure being rejected by 7 different technologies now and that it's exhausting. Could not be more true.

IF I were to ever consider being your friend, which I'm not, it would require you having balls. The balls to tell me the truth about what happened. And the balls to do more than text, Happy Valentine's Day Lisa.

Fuck you and the Army tank you rode in on.