Monday, September 13, 2010

Trailer trash update

I received an email from Gerber Baby AT 7:06:

I only discovered your "trashy" photo when I saw your profile photo on Facebook. You are well endowed so I was willing to slum.

Then, a second email at 7:13:

You are actually very attractive. I am not desperate at all; I just thought you were gorgeous. Sorry I was abrasive; I think you were a little rough on me. LOL


Two things....one, it's like two different people writing me emails. He clearly finds my "well endowment" very appealing, cause now he's backpedaling. Does he honestly think that I'm going to meet up with him now, or accept him as a friend on facebook? He's both creepy and completely dillusional. Second, did he really laugh out loud after typing the last sentence? Really? That abbreviation should only be used when you actually, literally laugh out loud. That alone is reason enough not to date this guy.

Trailer Trash

So, I realize that I haven't posted in about 9 months. During this nine months I've gotten pregnant and am ready to give birth any day now.

Just kidding, kids are gross. Yay Roe vs. Wade! Actually in this nine months, I've left my job and my hometown to move to Portland for a whole new life. It's been great so far and I'm trying the best I can to make friends and "put myself out there." I'm not very good at it though and the following story illustrates my "non-people person" personality beautifully.

Last week, Thursday Sept 9th to be exact, I was bored and decided to scroll through craigslist. Mostly I like to read people's hopeless, desperate, funny pleas for companionship. I happened upon an ad a guy posted that was mildly funny. He described his last couple dates with various women and their batshit crazy antics. It sounded a lot like my own dating life so I responded to it. I realize this makes me look hopeless and desperate as well. Anything is possible. He responded to my email very quickly by finding my facebook and requesting to be added, as well as an email response. I considered it briefly, but changed my mind. I decided not to write him back. To be honest he looked super boring and, his self-description of "the adult version of the Gerber baby" was right on point. Done and done.
On Sunday he wrote me another facebook message letting me know that he was still waiting for me to add him. And then another email today wanting to know if he did something wrong, and why was I not responding. That's two emails and two facebook messages in 4 days, all with no response from me. A little creepy right? I then had a disturbing vision of being stalked by a giant baby, so I wrote him the following email:

No, I just changed my mind. Two emails and two facebook messages? Really? This reeks of desperation. Just a piece of advice for the future: If someone doesn't write back after one or two emails, it means they aren't interested. You should learn how to take a hint. Sorry to be rude, but this kind of behavior isn't going to make you appealing to the ladies. Good luck in your search.

His quick response:

You look like trailer trash anyway. Anyone is desperate if they are talking to you.

I had to LOL after reading this. He manages in two sentences, to make himself look worse than me. A normal woman would probably leave it at that and forget about Mr. Goo goo ga ga. But not me, I just sent this to him:

Hahaha!! I'm sorry, I had to laugh and respond. You realize you actually insulted yourself more than me right? If I look like trailer trash, why were you so interested? And if someone who talks to me is definitely desperate...then what does that say about you?

I have not received anything from him yet in response to this. I look forward to having a juvenile email fight with this douche. I promise to update.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Blowjobs and Steak

I'm a few weeks late posting this, but here it is:

So, as many of you know I recently met a guy on eharmony. At first glance, he was great. Funny, good looking, job, house, seemed very interested in me....he had alot going for him. After a couple dates, I was invited over to his house. We were getting intimate and needless to say, he had some issues with his boner. As in, he couldn't keep it up. Now, a lot of girls might take this personally. Think it's because of them. I don't. I realize that shit happens and dicks don't always stay hard when they are supposed to. Well, things got weird afterwards. He communicated sparingly and seemed uninterested. Until Christmas Day. He invited me over and made it clear (over text) that he wanted to see me. I was thinking, "great! He just needed some time to get over his wounded pride." Let's keep in mind that HE invited ME over. I didn't invite myself over and decide to show up inconveniently. For the first thirty minutes I was there, he was playing videos games. When finished with that, he put in a movie for us to watch and we got snuggly on the couch. At this point, we started making out and he maneuvered the situation in such a way that he received a blowjob. And let me tell you, I gave 110% to that blowjob. He received some of my best efforts that night. When done he got up, got dressed and went into the kitchen. Where he stayed for approximately 10 minutes. After ten minutes, he emerged with a plate that contained a steak and mashed potatoes. He then ate his food. After which he played with his dog for quite some time. This is when I decided it was time for me to go.
So, not only did I not get an orgasm out of the deal, but he didn't offer me dinner either!! I was pissed. So, I sent him an email. An educational email I thought. Here it is:

Subject: Blowjob etiquette

At the age of 31, I would have thought you'd know by now...but apparently you don't. When a girl comes over to your house and gives you a blowjob, it's only polite to reciprocate in some fashion. It is not polite to get up and get dressed, spend 10 minutes in the kitchen fixing yourself food and essentially make her feel like she was only invited over to suck your dick. This combined with your seeming lack of interest after we attempted to have sex the other night has made ME lose interest. Please cease all future correspondence...in other words...fuck right off!

He wrote back and apologized, but I was done. What has been the funniest thing in tellng my friends about this is that they actually seemed more upset that he didn't offer me dinner than the lack of orgasm reciprocation. I personally was more upset about the orgasm. Hell, I can eat anytime....but it's not everyday that I can get eaten:)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The latest round of weird pics

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So you love dead people that can watch you pee?

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I learned that this would be a fireman's vehicle. But, shouldn't you be putting fires out rather than jumping over them?

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He's probably your only friend.

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What is it that you like, wolves or moons? Or just the combination of them together? I feel like only Native Americans should be allowed to do this, but even then....what's the point?

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This was taken at an international food court in Chinatown, Seattle. I love duck, but I don't think I could eat it looking like this.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

This was not in Lacey

Surprisingly, these pictures were not taken in Lacey. I know, shocking right?

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This was on the freeway in Lewis county on my way home from work. The guy inside the truck, which I couldn't manage to capture, was a 65 year old greaseball. First of all, I felt like it was 1998 and I was in high school. Secondly, not every woman that passes him is going to have a nice rack, so his sign is very foolish.

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This guy is clearly a fan of the Huskies. But he hasn't updated his paint job is about a decade. Can't you just put a bumper sticker on your car like everyone else? I feel like the only person who gets to do this to their car is the coach or the winning quarterback....even then, it's sad. Also, why doesn't he take the money he put into ruining his car and put it to a new car. One that runs and doesn't suck so badly.

Personal Space

What the eff is with people feeling the need to invade other people's personal space? My boss is super touchy and I don't like it, but put up with it cause I know he doesn't mean harm by it. However, this morning he came to tell me something and got so close that I actually felt his breath on my face. ICK! It's not appropriate to get that close to a person that you aren't fucking! Then I went to the AMPM to get a soda and this guy behind me in line was standing behind me and slightly to my right. And also 2 inches away. Everytime I moved up or to the side, he moved right along with me. Then when I was paying for my soda, he was at the counter with me, practically pressing his shoulder into mine.
Why can't people just stay the fuck away from me???????

If I don't know you, I want you at arm's length....at least.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Children are gross

I take issue with the "Customer with Children" parking spots now at grocery stores. You get a special parking spot because you procreated and brought your snot nosed offspring with you to scream, cry, throw shit in the store and just generally be in my way? I don't think so. Handicaps, yes. If you can't walk or are retarded then you should be able to walk 10 feet less into the the store than normal people. But, fat moms? NO. I park in every one of those spots when they are free. And I hope that someday a meth mom sees me get out of my car with no rugrats and yells at me for it. Cause I'll tell her that I deserve to park there because I'm NOT populating the world with drug addicted babies by taking birth control and maybe she should consider using it.