Trailer trash update

I received an email from Gerber Baby AT 7:06:

I only discovered your "trashy" photo when I saw your profile photo on Facebook. You are well endowed so I was willing to slum.

Then, a second email at 7:13:

You are actually very attractive. I am not desperate at all; I just thought you were gorgeous. Sorry I was abrasive; I think you were a little rough on me. LOL


Two things....one, it's like two different people writing me emails. He clearly finds my "well endowment" very appealing, cause now he's backpedaling. Does he honestly think that I'm going to meet up with him now, or accept him as a friend on facebook? He's both creepy and completely dillusional. Second, did he really laugh out loud after typing the last sentence? Really? That abbreviation should only be used when you actually, literally laugh out loud. That alone is reason enough not to date this guy.

Trailer Trash

So, I realize that I haven't posted in about 9 months. During this nine months I've gotten pregnant and am ready to give birth any day now.

Just kidding, kids are gross. Yay Roe vs. Wade! Actually in this nine months, I've left my job and my hometown to move to Portland for a whole new life. It's been great so far and I'm trying the best I can to make friends and "put myself out there." I'm not very good at it though and the following story illustrates my "non-people person" personality beautifully.

Last week, Thursday Sept 9th to be exact, I was bored and decided to scroll through craigslist. Mostly I like to read people's hopeless, desperate, funny pleas for companionship. I happened upon an ad a guy posted that was mildly funny. He described his last couple dates with various women and their batshit crazy antics. It sounded a lot like my own dating life so I responded to it. I realize this makes me look hopeless and desperate as well. Anything is possible. He responded to my email very quickly by finding my facebook and requesting to be added, as well as an email response. I considered it briefly, but changed my mind. I decided not to write him back. To be honest he looked super boring and, his self-description of "the adult version of the Gerber baby" was right on point. Done and done.
On Sunday he wrote me another facebook message letting me know that he was still waiting for me to add him. And then another email today wanting to know if he did something wrong, and why was I not responding. That's two emails and two facebook messages in 4 days, all with no response from me. A little creepy right? I then had a disturbing vision of being stalked by a giant baby, so I wrote him the following email:

No, I just changed my mind. Two emails and two facebook messages? Really? This reeks of desperation. Just a piece of advice for the future: If someone doesn't write back after one or two emails, it means they aren't interested. You should learn how to take a hint. Sorry to be rude, but this kind of behavior isn't going to make you appealing to the ladies. Good luck in your search.

His quick response:

You look like trailer trash anyway. Anyone is desperate if they are talking to you.

I had to LOL after reading this. He manages in two sentences, to make himself look worse than me. A normal woman would probably leave it at that and forget about Mr. Goo goo ga ga. But not me, I just sent this to him:

Hahaha!! I'm sorry, I had to laugh and respond. You realize you actually insulted yourself more than me right? If I look like trailer trash, why were you so interested? And if someone who talks to me is definitely desperate...then what does that say about you?

I have not received anything from him yet in response to this. I look forward to having a juvenile email fight with this douche. I promise to update.

Blowjobs and Steak

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The latest round of weird pics

So you love dead people that can watch you pee?


I learned that this would be a fireman's vehicle. But, shouldn't you be putting fires out rather than jumping over them?


He's probably your only friend.


What is it that you like, wolves or moons? Or just the combination of them together? I feel like only Native Americans should be allowed to do this, but even then....what's the point?


This was taken at an international food court in Chinatown, Seattle. I love duck, but I don't think I could eat it looking like this.

This was not in Lacey

Surprisingly, these pictures were not taken in Lacey. I know, shocking right?


This was on the freeway in Lewis county on my way home from work. The guy inside the truck, which I couldn't manage to capture, was a 65 year old greaseball. First of all, I felt like it was 1998 and I was in high school. Secondly, not every woman that passes him is going to have a nice rack, so his sign is very foolish.




This guy is clearly a fan of the Huskies. But he hasn't updated his paint job is about a decade. Can't you just put a bumper sticker on your car like everyone else? I feel like the only person who gets to do this to their car is the coach or the winning quarterback....even then, it's sad. Also, why doesn't he take the money he put into ruining his car and put it to a new car. One that runs and doesn't suck so badly.

Personal Space

What the eff is with people feeling the need to invade other people's personal space? My boss is super touchy and I don't like it, but put up with it cause I know he doesn't mean harm by it. However, this morning he came to tell me something and got so close that I actually felt his breath on my face. ICK! It's not appropriate to get that close to a person that you aren't fucking! Then I went to the AMPM to get a soda and this guy behind me in line was standing behind me and slightly to my right. And also 2 inches away. Everytime I moved up or to the side, he moved right along with me. Then when I was paying for my soda, he was at the counter with me, practically pressing his shoulder into mine.
Why can't people just stay the fuck away from me???????

If I don't know you, I want you at arm's length....at least.

Children are gross

I take issue with the "Customer with Children" parking spots now at grocery stores. You get a special parking spot because you procreated and brought your snot nosed offspring with you to scream, cry, throw shit in the store and just generally be in my way? I don't think so. Handicaps, yes. If you can't walk or are retarded then you should be able to walk 10 feet less into the the store than normal people. But, fat moms? NO. I park in every one of those spots when they are free. And I hope that someday a meth mom sees me get out of my car with no rugrats and yells at me for it. Cause I'll tell her that I deserve to park there because I'm NOT populating the world with drug addicted babies by taking birth control and maybe she should consider using it.

One Saturday trip to Lacey....

I kid you not people, these five pictures are from ONE trip to Lacey this past Saturday afternoon.

Duh, look at this kid. He's the poster child for the Aryan race, of course he's a racist.


This was on one of those Toyota Scions...which is shaped like a box. This vanity plate is like putting a sticker on Star Jones' forehead that says, "Does not have nasty extra skin on upper arms."


Look, I like Lord of the Rings just as much as the next dork...but really? And are they stating that they like Hobbits or that they ARE hobbits???


No, you shuduup. Seriously. Shut up and drive off a cliff.


And last but certainly not least, a man that has fallen asleep in a recliner chair in the middle of Fred Meyer. Really. His eyes were closed and he was sleeping. Go home.

The one I didn't want to write.

I’ve been procrastinating in writing this particular blog. Writing about this makes it real, and it being real makes me pathetic and not feel like myself. But, writing makes things better for me eventually, so here goes….

For as long as I can really remember, sex has defined me in one way or another. Whether it was the story of me wanting to be a stripper at the age of three, being the Aids Queen in middle school health class, being the first to lose my virginity in high school or being the boob flashing eternally single slut throughout the better part of my 20’s. I always had a story about a conquest, a one nighter, a married guy….However, over the past year (exactly one year), it’s been more of the lack of sex that has defined me. Yes, I said it. It’s been a full year since I’ve had sex. Mind numbing at first, not so bad now, but totally confusing the entire time.

Totally confusing because when this “thing” that you’re supposed to be good at, do a lot of, be an all around expert at, leaves your life, you start to forget what it’s like. Sometimes I feel like I really don’t know what two hot naked bodies pressing together actually feels like anymore. And I float between really, really missing it and needing it and not giving a fuck and kinda glad I don’t have a man to deal with and complicate my life. This obviously goes so much deeper than sex. It’s been a year since I’ve had sex, but it’s been about four years since I’ve been in an actual relationship.

The last year has been interesting in other non-sexual aspects of my life. I’ve uprooted my life by quitting my job, deciding to become a nanny and go back to school, having that fail and needing to go back to work, my sister getting engaged and helping her plan her wedding, gaining thirty pounds and not being confident about my body…..I’m kind of a mess. The age old question comes to mind, which came first the chicken or the egg? The celibacy or the life in disarray? Are they even connected? Who knows.

The last two weeks specifically have been a little different. My sister GOT married, my impending 29th birthday....I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I've also done a whole lot of staying in my apartment and not talking to my friends. I've spent this time trying to sort out what it is that I want out of my life. The answer? I don't have a fucking clue.

For now, I want to be happy. I guess that's all we really can ask for out of life. Whether happiness for me includes having a man in my life, a raise at my job, all my bills paid off, a dog, kids, no kids, a house....whatever it includes, that's what I want.

I can't help but think that if I had been fucking someone this whole time, I wouldn't be going through this weird awkward stage I'm going through. I guess it boils down to sex has always been a distraction for me. Now, with it gone I can actually deal with me. Dealing with me is hard, I can be very stubborn and unmotivated. But, luckily I'm smart and not a complete social retard and can actually gain something from this stage of my life.

The fog has begun to lift and I've definitely done some learning and will continue to do so. And hopefully from this, life will hand me what I deserve when it's the right time. But hopefully soon, I'd like to be distracted on a regular basis.

Holy shit, I wish I were this funny.

From my favorite website: tshirthell.com

America is facing a crisis. I'm not talking about health care, unemployment or even the packs of kangaroos swarming the Midwest and raping everyone in sight. I'm talking about our catchphrase shortage. This nation was built on the strength of our catchphrases. Without "Give me liberty or give me death!" and "The British are coming!" we might as well be Canada or the Bermuda Triangle. That is why it is so important we maintain this heritage of catchphrases.
I was hopeful when Borat had every douche on the planet saying "Very nice!", but it's been three years and that well is dry. So I'm offering new catchphrases. I don't expect to return us to our heyday when "Dy-no-mite"s and "Where's the beef?"s were falling from trees like golden apples, but hopefully with this list and a little effort on your part we can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to half-ass it and just slap together a bunch of random words and nonsensical phrases. I'm going to 51%-ass it and include when and how to use these phrases.)

That's bullshit, Marty! - To be shouted in church every time the pastor pauses.

And rub your junk on it. - State plainly after you've given a waitress your order.

Only one of us is getting out of here without poop in their hair. - Whisper on crowded elevator.

This one's for Jesus! - To be shouted at the exact moment of orgasm.

Skittles and foreskin - Like "Whatever," this is used to show indifference. Like if your wife says she's leaving you after 10 years of marriage... "Skittles and foreskin, man. Skittles and foreskin."

Jangleplatz! - Replacement for "Awesome." Simply because I'm tired of every asshole with the mind of a 14-year-old using some form of "awesome" to describe anything because they're unaware of other adjectives. If people use this, that shit would be jangleplatz. (That sounds awesome.)

Murf da skwaaay! - Not sure, something rappers should say.

Take it all, Becky! - To be angrily yelled while using a public urinal.

I was promised ass-play! - To be shouted at any cashier or sales clerk who asks for payment.

To the reservoir! - Shout at any motorist with his or her window rolled down.

She like-a da turkey bacon. - For women only. To be whispered during gynecological exams.

There's mommy's little buck-buck. - Kneel down and say this when you see a midget.

The dialogue from an episode of Three's Company! - Shout at concerts in place of "Freebird!"

Let's teabag that fucker! - Shout halfway through the eulogy.

Kegels 'til you bleed! - Shout as loud as you can at any person on a cell phone.

Queef on that nigga! - Response when someone disrespects you. And despite the use of "nigga," is to be used on assholes of any race. If someone bumps into you in a bar, whether they're black, white or one of those other gross races, give them a hearty "Queef on that nigga!"

Epiphanys

Wedding Season has made me think. Think about a lot of things.

My sister was just married this past weekend, and I've spent the past year helping her plan. Helping her plan had convinced me that I'm absolutely not doing things the "normal" way. I'm going to Vegas. Me, my prospective husband and Elvis....sounds awesome to me. But, I started thinking again......but, before I go there, let's go back a week or so.

After going to another wedding the weekend before my sister's, I had two epiphanys...one thanks to Deanna and the other thanks to an eharmony commercial of all things. The first: Maybe people getting married fast or young isn't such a bad thing. Deanna said it best, "maybe they're happy and holding on to the happiness where they can get it." Who the fuck am I to judge that? Cause, I've been single for four years.....they obviously know something I don't. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take back my single years for anything. I've gained valuable knowledge about myself, what I want and what I deserve in this time. However, it also makes me realize that I don't know nearly as much as I thought. Maybe this other couple and my sister have it right. They are happy....why begrudge them of that? No one knows what the future holds, regardless of circumstances. You could wait till you are 45 and have dated for four years and still get divorced a year into the marriage. You just do what feels right at the time, and hope for the best. Life is about learning through all these experiences, good or bad.

Now, the second epiphany: I watch a lot of TV and those stupid eharmony commercials are on all the time. There is one in particular I've always thought is interesting. It is one containing a couple consisting of a black woman and a white man. Now, not that interracial couples don't "go" together, but these two look mismatched to me. You know when you can look at a couple and they look like they make sense? These two don't. But, they are in this eharmony commercial, together and married for a few years and are seemingly very happy together. It made me think. I have this picture in my head of my perfect man, what he should basically look like, and be like. Whenever I've done dating sites in the past, I'll take one look at a picture of a guy and see that he's too skinny or too short, hair too long or a computer programmer and say no way. Well newsflash, I've been single for four years, maybe I should open up my perameters a little and be more accepting of different kinds of guys. I haven't found this "perfect" man and I'm becoming more and more convinced that when I do find him, he won't be anything like how I've envisioned, but he'll still be perfect FOR ME.

So, back to my sister's wedding. I had so much fun and could tell that Kelly and Michael were truly happy and excited to be getting married. As I danced with my dad at the wedding, he asked me "So, what do you think about these two?" I had to be honest and say that I think I've got a much more positive outlook on it all. See, being the Maid of Honor and standing so close to the bride and groom during the ceremony, you hear things you probably aren't supposed to. After Kelly and Michael kissed, they hugged, and I heard Michael whisper in Kelly's ear, "I love you so much." I told my dad this and he agreed with me. I say, if you can convince a couple of sarcastic cynics like my dad and I....there might be hope after all.

I think all this thinking is causing my sleeplessness. I should stop thinking and LIVE.

Attention all gimps and old people

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! If you have a limp or walk slowly, don't walk straight down the middle of an aisle at the grocery store. Walk to either the right or the left. That way, normal people can get around you! Oh, and the same goes for when you are walking out of the store. While you are dragging your fucking gimp leg behind you and moving at a goddamn snail's pace, I'm trying to get the fuck out of the store. You are in my way!!!! And old people, you are basically a gimp, just not confined to one part of your body, you just have a gimp body. Pay attention! I'm trying to pull into a parking space and you are SLLLOOOOWWWWLLLLYYY closing your car door and walking across the parking space I'm waiting not so patiently to park in. How about instead of walking at a 45 degree angle away from your vehicle, you take a sharp right and walk along your car to the sidewalk. Huh? Sound like a good idea? Or, you could just fucking call Dr. Kevorkian and kill yourself. You're ready to die anyway, do everyone a favor and do it. I don't want to have to hit you with my car.

Am I the only one in the world that actually pays attention to where I'm going and actively try to stay out of poeple's way? Perk up your ears, turn up the hearing aid and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey chicken humilates me for the first and only time.

The single most humiliating and depressing thing happened to me yesterday. It was one of those situations that, a) never happens to you. You hear about it happening to someone else and, b) you have a really smart retort or a reaction for the situation banked away in your brain, just in case it ever happens and you fail to use it because you are in shock when it actually happens.

I don’t super enjoy the Chinese food at Ralph’s Thriftway, but it’s close and I’m lazy, therefore it gets eaten about once a week. Well, I made my weekly trip there last night after work and first hit the soda aisle. They have raspberry ginger ale that is super good. I then hit the chocolate aisle and get a Ghirardelli chocolate bar and also some dark M&M’s because I had heard they were being discontinued, which greatly disappointed me. I get allergy medicine and some Rainier cherries, because they looked good and I couldn’t walk out of there looking like I was shopping while stoned. My last stop, China Express. A woman gets in line right behind me while the asian lady behind the counter asks me what I want. I order my honey chicken and my two eggrolls. This is when it happened. The asian lady says, “oh, you teach your baby to like Chinese food?” Yeah, you heard it. The second she says it, I don’t question her meaning. I don’t even hesitate in figuring out what she’s implying. The bitch thinks I’m fucking knocked up. I say back to her, “baby?” while looking her dead in the eyes and I’m sure looking extremely pissed. She then giggles and says (while looking directly at my enormous gut, “oh, I thought you pregnant!” “No, I’m not” I say.

NO I AM NOT. JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST, DID THIS SERIOUSLY JUST HAPPEN TO ME.?????

So, instead of getting indignant and telling her to take her chow mein and shove it up her fucking ass and walking away with no fried food and jogging home instead of driving, I proceed to wait while she finishes up packing up my “food” and walk away toward the check stand with it. Keep in mind that the lady in line behind me, was next to me the whole time listening to this bullshit exchange. So, not only did I have to be humiliated by an ignorant old cunt, but the skinny bitch behind me got to watch me be humiliated.

I go stand in line with my basket full of shame. I’m waiting and staring into my basket thinking to myself, “I should not be purchasing any of this….except the cherries, those can stay.” But do I go put the chocolate back? No. Do I take the honey chicken back to the China Express and throw it kung fu style back at the old cunt? No. I pay for my highly overpriced, underflavored shame food and go home to consume it. And I do. But not all of it. I honestly couldn’t choke all of it down, where under normal circumstances I would have cleaned my plate. Then later on when I grabbed the four dollar candy bar I had bought, I only ate two bites. I just couldn’t do it. I wished I hadn’t bought any of it. I really wish I hadn’t wasted my money.

I didn’t cry. I was pretty proud of myself and quite surprised. I had just had my worst fears and my own twisted image of myself confirmed by a stranger and I didn’t get emotional about it. Until bedtime….that’s when you don’t have the TV or anything else to distract you. I laid there and thought about it all night and cried a little. Just a little. I certainly did not cry myself to sleep, but again, surprised I didn’t.

One of the most disturbing things about this situation is that one of my first thoughts was NOT “wow, I should really hit the gym.” It was “wow, I need to get some clothes that cover up my gut.”

As a result of this I honestly don’t want to go into public anymore. Seriously. I know how people are. The things people think are always worse than what they say. I know, because I’m one of them. I’m the asshole that thinks that some chick should absolutely not be wearing what she’s wearing. Her ass is way to fat for those shorts. Her stomach is hanging out of her shirt or over her pants. I think really mean things about people and of course, I’m the type of person to say it out loud to my friends. I know how people are. And now I know how the fat girl feels. All of my clothes fit me 35 pounds ago, so they are tight. They accentuate the areas that I don’t want accentuated. But, I can’t go buy new fat clothes. Not only can I not afford to do that monetarily, but I can’t afford to do it emotionally. If I go spend money on bigger clothes, to me that means that I’m ok with how my body looks, and I’m going to live with it. And I’m not ok with how my body looks. But in the meantime I’m the fat girl at the grocery store buying fried food and candy while the image of skinny asshole Lisa walks behind me saying to herself, “like she should really be eating that shit. Jesus, get a fucking salad.”

Needless to say, I won’t be eating China Express anymore. The food sucks anyway.

Really?

THIS is how you chose to spell your name Jhenine? What do you want to bet that this bitch (that works at a weird Hooters wanna be restaurant in Lacey) was born with it spelled Jeanine, like a normal set of parents would spell it. When she hit 21 and realized that her tits could get her somewhere in the world (but not really far enough cause she has a butterface), she decided to change the spelling of her name to something more interesting because she couldn't bring herself to make her personality more interesting.

How you know you are too handicapped to drive....

...when you can't park properly in the handicapped spot at Fred Meyer.

Cute Guy: Please read this and act on it on August 8th, 2009

http://www.holytaco.com/how-score-bridesmaid-wedding

His Ass is an Innie

Ok, so I found this picture on one of my favorite websites: holytaco.com.



Here's the deal. I was at my dad's car race in Tenino last Saturday (don't ask....) and there was a giant girl sitting above us in the stands whose ass and black thong was totally hanging out the back of her pants for all of Tenino to see. I'd venture to guess though that her ass has been viewed by Tenino many times, but that's neither here nor there. What is the fucking deal with this??? I am aware of what my ass and undergarments are doing at all times! Don't you think you'd feel the breeze on your cheeks if your ass was hanging half out of your pants?? I just plain do not understand this phenomenon. And it's not like it's just fat people, it's every type of person. Is there are large population of poeple that rub Anbesol on their asses before they leave their house so they can't feel what's going on down there? I'm perplexed. Does anyone have an answer for me?

If you're gonna beg for money...

....at least be creative like this guy:



I super love how he left the "C" out of "Scuba". I told him he left it out and the beauty of his sign is that it's a whiteboard, so after I took the picture, he corrected his spelling.

Pride

Pride is a weird thing. Sometimes it's overrated, like when it comes to doing porn or giving a blowjob for a raise at work....and then other times, it's all you have. That's where I'm at right now. I stuck up for myself at work, and I got fired for it. I could have given in and I'd still have a job....but, it was the right thing to do. So now that I know I have my pride, and I didn't swallow it yesterday for a fucked up employer, today might be the day to go ahead and swallow it. Maybe my life decisions I've been making lately haven't been the wisest. It's time to admit that I made a mistake and fix it, fix my life. Stop hiding from my responsibilities and face them head on. Get my shit together before I start playing. Yeah, I think it's time.

Have you ever seen two frogs hump?

Now you have...