The one I didn't want to write.

I’ve been procrastinating in writing this particular blog. Writing about this makes it real, and it being real makes me pathetic and not feel like myself. But, writing makes things better for me eventually, so here goes….

For as long as I can really remember, sex has defined me in one way or another. Whether it was the story of me wanting to be a stripper at the age of three, being the Aids Queen in middle school health class, being the first to lose my virginity in high school or being the boob flashing eternally single slut throughout the better part of my 20’s. I always had a story about a conquest, a one nighter, a married guy….However, over the past year (exactly one year), it’s been more of the lack of sex that has defined me. Yes, I said it. It’s been a full year since I’ve had sex. Mind numbing at first, not so bad now, but totally confusing the entire time.

Totally confusing because when this “thing” that you’re supposed to be good at, do a lot of, be an all around expert at, leaves your life, you start to forget what it’s like. Sometimes I feel like I really don’t know what two hot naked bodies pressing together actually feels like anymore. And I float between really, really missing it and needing it and not giving a fuck and kinda glad I don’t have a man to deal with and complicate my life. This obviously goes so much deeper than sex. It’s been a year since I’ve had sex, but it’s been about four years since I’ve been in an actual relationship.

The last year has been interesting in other non-sexual aspects of my life. I’ve uprooted my life by quitting my job, deciding to become a nanny and go back to school, having that fail and needing to go back to work, my sister getting engaged and helping her plan her wedding, gaining thirty pounds and not being confident about my body…..I’m kind of a mess. The age old question comes to mind, which came first the chicken or the egg? The celibacy or the life in disarray? Are they even connected? Who knows.

The last two weeks specifically have been a little different. My sister GOT married, my impending 29th birthday....I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I've also done a whole lot of staying in my apartment and not talking to my friends. I've spent this time trying to sort out what it is that I want out of my life. The answer? I don't have a fucking clue.

For now, I want to be happy. I guess that's all we really can ask for out of life. Whether happiness for me includes having a man in my life, a raise at my job, all my bills paid off, a dog, kids, no kids, a house....whatever it includes, that's what I want.

I can't help but think that if I had been fucking someone this whole time, I wouldn't be going through this weird awkward stage I'm going through. I guess it boils down to sex has always been a distraction for me. Now, with it gone I can actually deal with me. Dealing with me is hard, I can be very stubborn and unmotivated. But, luckily I'm smart and not a complete social retard and can actually gain something from this stage of my life.

The fog has begun to lift and I've definitely done some learning and will continue to do so. And hopefully from this, life will hand me what I deserve when it's the right time. But hopefully soon, I'd like to be distracted on a regular basis.

Holy shit, I wish I were this funny.

From my favorite website: tshirthell.com

America is facing a crisis. I'm not talking about health care, unemployment or even the packs of kangaroos swarming the Midwest and raping everyone in sight. I'm talking about our catchphrase shortage. This nation was built on the strength of our catchphrases. Without "Give me liberty or give me death!" and "The British are coming!" we might as well be Canada or the Bermuda Triangle. That is why it is so important we maintain this heritage of catchphrases.
I was hopeful when Borat had every douche on the planet saying "Very nice!", but it's been three years and that well is dry. So I'm offering new catchphrases. I don't expect to return us to our heyday when "Dy-no-mite"s and "Where's the beef?"s were falling from trees like golden apples, but hopefully with this list and a little effort on your part we can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to half-ass it and just slap together a bunch of random words and nonsensical phrases. I'm going to 51%-ass it and include when and how to use these phrases.)

That's bullshit, Marty! - To be shouted in church every time the pastor pauses.

And rub your junk on it. - State plainly after you've given a waitress your order.

Only one of us is getting out of here without poop in their hair. - Whisper on crowded elevator.

This one's for Jesus! - To be shouted at the exact moment of orgasm.

Skittles and foreskin - Like "Whatever," this is used to show indifference. Like if your wife says she's leaving you after 10 years of marriage... "Skittles and foreskin, man. Skittles and foreskin."

Jangleplatz! - Replacement for "Awesome." Simply because I'm tired of every asshole with the mind of a 14-year-old using some form of "awesome" to describe anything because they're unaware of other adjectives. If people use this, that shit would be jangleplatz. (That sounds awesome.)

Murf da skwaaay! - Not sure, something rappers should say.

Take it all, Becky! - To be angrily yelled while using a public urinal.

I was promised ass-play! - To be shouted at any cashier or sales clerk who asks for payment.

To the reservoir! - Shout at any motorist with his or her window rolled down.

She like-a da turkey bacon. - For women only. To be whispered during gynecological exams.

There's mommy's little buck-buck. - Kneel down and say this when you see a midget.

The dialogue from an episode of Three's Company! - Shout at concerts in place of "Freebird!"

Let's teabag that fucker! - Shout halfway through the eulogy.

Kegels 'til you bleed! - Shout as loud as you can at any person on a cell phone.

Queef on that nigga! - Response when someone disrespects you. And despite the use of "nigga," is to be used on assholes of any race. If someone bumps into you in a bar, whether they're black, white or one of those other gross races, give them a hearty "Queef on that nigga!"

Epiphanys

Wedding Season has made me think. Think about a lot of things.

My sister was just married this past weekend, and I've spent the past year helping her plan. Helping her plan had convinced me that I'm absolutely not doing things the "normal" way. I'm going to Vegas. Me, my prospective husband and Elvis....sounds awesome to me. But, I started thinking again......but, before I go there, let's go back a week or so.

After going to another wedding the weekend before my sister's, I had two epiphanys...one thanks to Deanna and the other thanks to an eharmony commercial of all things. The first: Maybe people getting married fast or young isn't such a bad thing. Deanna said it best, "maybe they're happy and holding on to the happiness where they can get it." Who the fuck am I to judge that? Cause, I've been single for four years.....they obviously know something I don't. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take back my single years for anything. I've gained valuable knowledge about myself, what I want and what I deserve in this time. However, it also makes me realize that I don't know nearly as much as I thought. Maybe this other couple and my sister have it right. They are happy....why begrudge them of that? No one knows what the future holds, regardless of circumstances. You could wait till you are 45 and have dated for four years and still get divorced a year into the marriage. You just do what feels right at the time, and hope for the best. Life is about learning through all these experiences, good or bad.

Now, the second epiphany: I watch a lot of TV and those stupid eharmony commercials are on all the time. There is one in particular I've always thought is interesting. It is one containing a couple consisting of a black woman and a white man. Now, not that interracial couples don't "go" together, but these two look mismatched to me. You know when you can look at a couple and they look like they make sense? These two don't. But, they are in this eharmony commercial, together and married for a few years and are seemingly very happy together. It made me think. I have this picture in my head of my perfect man, what he should basically look like, and be like. Whenever I've done dating sites in the past, I'll take one look at a picture of a guy and see that he's too skinny or too short, hair too long or a computer programmer and say no way. Well newsflash, I've been single for four years, maybe I should open up my perameters a little and be more accepting of different kinds of guys. I haven't found this "perfect" man and I'm becoming more and more convinced that when I do find him, he won't be anything like how I've envisioned, but he'll still be perfect FOR ME.

So, back to my sister's wedding. I had so much fun and could tell that Kelly and Michael were truly happy and excited to be getting married. As I danced with my dad at the wedding, he asked me "So, what do you think about these two?" I had to be honest and say that I think I've got a much more positive outlook on it all. See, being the Maid of Honor and standing so close to the bride and groom during the ceremony, you hear things you probably aren't supposed to. After Kelly and Michael kissed, they hugged, and I heard Michael whisper in Kelly's ear, "I love you so much." I told my dad this and he agreed with me. I say, if you can convince a couple of sarcastic cynics like my dad and I....there might be hope after all.

I think all this thinking is causing my sleeplessness. I should stop thinking and LIVE.