The one I didn't want to write.

I’ve been procrastinating in writing this particular blog. Writing about this makes it real, and it being real makes me pathetic and not feel like myself. But, writing makes things better for me eventually, so here goes….

For as long as I can really remember, sex has defined me in one way or another. Whether it was the story of me wanting to be a stripper at the age of three, being the Aids Queen in middle school health class, being the first to lose my virginity in high school or being the boob flashing eternally single slut throughout the better part of my 20’s. I always had a story about a conquest, a one nighter, a married guy….However, over the past year (exactly one year), it’s been more of the lack of sex that has defined me. Yes, I said it. It’s been a full year since I’ve had sex. Mind numbing at first, not so bad now, but totally confusing the entire time.

Totally confusing because when this “thing” that you’re supposed to be good at, do a lot of, be an all around expert at, leaves your life, you start to forget what it’s like. Sometimes I feel like I really don’t know what two hot naked bodies pressing together actually feels like anymore. And I float between really, really missing it and needing it and not giving a fuck and kinda glad I don’t have a man to deal with and complicate my life. This obviously goes so much deeper than sex. It’s been a year since I’ve had sex, but it’s been about four years since I’ve been in an actual relationship.

The last year has been interesting in other non-sexual aspects of my life. I’ve uprooted my life by quitting my job, deciding to become a nanny and go back to school, having that fail and needing to go back to work, my sister getting engaged and helping her plan her wedding, gaining thirty pounds and not being confident about my body…..I’m kind of a mess. The age old question comes to mind, which came first the chicken or the egg? The celibacy or the life in disarray? Are they even connected? Who knows.

The last two weeks specifically have been a little different. My sister GOT married, my impending 29th birthday....I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I've also done a whole lot of staying in my apartment and not talking to my friends. I've spent this time trying to sort out what it is that I want out of my life. The answer? I don't have a fucking clue.

For now, I want to be happy. I guess that's all we really can ask for out of life. Whether happiness for me includes having a man in my life, a raise at my job, all my bills paid off, a dog, kids, no kids, a house....whatever it includes, that's what I want.

I can't help but think that if I had been fucking someone this whole time, I wouldn't be going through this weird awkward stage I'm going through. I guess it boils down to sex has always been a distraction for me. Now, with it gone I can actually deal with me. Dealing with me is hard, I can be very stubborn and unmotivated. But, luckily I'm smart and not a complete social retard and can actually gain something from this stage of my life.

The fog has begun to lift and I've definitely done some learning and will continue to do so. And hopefully from this, life will hand me what I deserve when it's the right time. But hopefully soon, I'd like to be distracted on a regular basis.