Rants and Raves...mostly Rants

Trailer trash update

2010-09-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

I received an email from Gerber Baby AT 7:06:

I only discovered your "trashy" photo when I saw your profile photo on Facebook. You are well endowed so I was willing to slum.

Then, a second email at 7:13:

You are actually very attractive. I am not desperate at all; I just thought you were gorgeous. Sorry I was abrasive; I think you were a little rough on me. LOL

Two things....one, it's like two different people writing me emails. He clearly finds my "well endowment" very appealing, cause now he's backpedaling. Does he honestly think that I'm going to meet up with him now, or accept him as a friend on facebook? He's both creepy and completely dillusional. Second, did he really laugh out loud after typing the last sentence? Really? That abbreviation should only be used when you actually, literally laugh out loud. That alone is reason enough not to date this guy.

Trailer Trash

2010-09-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

So, I realize that I haven't posted in about 9 months. During this nine months I've gotten pregnant and am ready to give birth any day now.

Just kidding, kids are gross. Yay Roe vs. Wade! Actually in this nine months, I've left my job and my hometown to move to Portland for a whole new life. It's been great so far and I'm trying the best I can to make friends and "put myself out there." I'm not very good at it though and the following story illustrates my "non-people person" personality beautifully.

Last week, Thursday Sept 9th to be exact, I was bored and decided to scroll through craigslist. Mostly I like to read people's hopeless, desperate, funny pleas for companionship. I happened upon an ad a guy posted that was mildly funny. He described his last couple dates with various women and their batshit crazy antics. It sounded a lot like my own dating life so I responded to it. I realize this makes me look hopeless and desperate as well. Anything is possible. He responded to my email very quickly by finding my facebook and requesting to be added, as well as an email response. I considered it briefly, but changed my mind. I decided not to write him back. To be honest he looked super boring and, his self-description of "the adult version of the Gerber baby" was right on point. Done and done.
On Sunday he wrote me another facebook message letting me know that he was still waiting for me to add him. And then another email today wanting to know if he did something wrong, and why was I not responding. That's two emails and two facebook messages in 4 days, all with no response from me. A little creepy right? I then had a disturbing vision of being stalked by a giant baby, so I wrote him the following email:

No, I just changed my mind. Two emails and two facebook messages? Really? This reeks of desperation. Just a piece of advice for the future: If someone doesn't write back after one or two emails, it means they aren't interested. You should learn how to take a hint. Sorry to be rude, but this kind of behavior isn't going to make you appealing to the ladies. Good luck in your search.

His quick response:

You look like trailer trash anyway. Anyone is desperate if they are talking to you.

I had to LOL after reading this. He manages in two sentences, to make himself look worse than me. A normal woman would probably leave it at that and forget about Mr. Goo goo ga ga. But not me, I just sent this to him:

Hahaha!! I'm sorry, I had to laugh and respond. You realize you actually insulted yourself more than me right? If I look like trailer trash, why were you so interested? And if someone who talks to me is definitely desperate...then what does that say about you?

I have not received anything from him yet in response to this. I look forward to having a juvenile email fight with this douche. I promise to update.

Blowjobs and Steak

2009-12-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm a few weeks late posting this, but here it is:

So, as many of you know I recently met a guy on eharmony. At first glance, he was great. Funny, good looking, job, house, seemed very interested in me....he had alot going for him. After a couple dates, I was invited over to his house. We were getting intimate and needless to say, he had some issues with his boner. As in, he couldn't keep it up. Now, a lot of girls might take this personally. Think it's because of them. I don't. I realize that shit happens and dicks don't always stay hard when they are supposed to. Well, things got weird afterwards. He communicated sparingly and seemed uninterested. Until Christmas Day. He invited me over and made it clear (over text) that he wanted to see me. I was thinking, "great! He just needed some time to get over his wounded pride." Let's keep in mind that HE invited ME over. I didn't invite myself over and decide to show up inconveniently. For the first thirty minutes I was there, he was playing videos games. When finished with that, he put in a movie for us to watch and we got snuggly on the couch. At this point, we started making out and he maneuvered the situation in such a way that he received a blowjob. And let me tell you, I gave 110% to that blowjob. He received some of my best efforts that night. When done he got up, got dressed and went into the kitchen. Where he stayed for approximately 10 minutes. After ten minutes, he emerged with a plate that contained a steak and mashed potatoes. He then ate his food. After which he played with his dog for quite some time. This is when I decided it was time for me to go.
So, not only did I not get an orgasm out of the deal, but he didn't offer me dinner either!! I was pissed. So, I sent him an email. An educational email I thought. Here it is:

Subject: Blowjob etiquette

At the age of 31, I would have thought you'd know by now...but apparently you don't. When a girl comes over to your house and gives you a blowjob, it's only polite to reciprocate in some fashion. It is not polite to get up and get dressed, spend 10 minutes in the kitchen fixing yourself food and essentially make her feel like she was only invited over to suck your dick. This combined with your seeming lack of interest after we attempted to have sex the other night has made ME lose interest. Please cease all future correspondence...in other words...fuck right off!

He wrote back and apologized, but I was done. What has been the funniest thing in tellng my friends about this is that they actually seemed more upset that he didn't offer me dinner than the lack of orgasm reciprocation. I personally was more upset about the orgasm. Hell, I can eat anytime....but it's not everyday that I can get eaten:)

The latest round of weird pics

2009-09-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

So you love dead people that can watch you pee?

I learned that this would be a fireman's vehicle. But, shouldn't you be putting fires out rather than jumping over them?

He's probably your only friend.

What is it that you like, wolves or moons? Or just the combination of them together? I feel like only Native Americans should be allowed to do this, but even then....what's the point?

This was taken at an international food court in Chinatown, Seattle. I love duck, but I don't think I could eat it looking like this.

This was not in Lacey

2009-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, these pictures were not taken in Lacey. I know, shocking right?

This was on the freeway in Lewis county on my way home from work. The guy inside the truck, which I couldn't manage to capture, was a 65 year old greaseball. First of all, I felt like it was 1998 and I was in high school. Secondly, not every woman that passes him is going to have a nice rack, so his sign is very foolish.

This guy is clearly a fan of the Huskies. But he hasn't updated his paint job is about a decade. Can't you just put a bumper sticker on your car like everyone else? I feel like the only person who gets to do this to their car is the coach or the winning quarterback....even then, it's sad. Also, why doesn't he take the money he put into ruining his car and put it to a new car. One that runs and doesn't suck so badly.

Personal Space

2009-09-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

What the eff is with people feeling the need to invade other people's personal space? My boss is super touchy and I don't like it, but put up with it cause I know he doesn't mean harm by it. However, this morning he came to tell me something and got so close that I actually felt his breath on my face. ICK! It's not appropriate to get that close to a person that you aren't fucking! Then I went to the AMPM to get a soda and this guy behind me in line was standing behind me and slightly to my right. And also 2 inches away. Everytime I moved up or to the side, he moved right along with me. Then when I was paying for my soda, he was at the counter with me, practically pressing his shoulder into mine.
Why can't people just stay the fuck away from me???????

If I don't know you, I want you at arm's length....at least.

Children are gross

2009-09-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

I take issue with the "Customer with Children" parking spots now at grocery stores. You get a special parking spot because you procreated and brought your snot nosed offspring with you to scream, cry, throw shit in the store and just generally be in my way? I don't think so. Handicaps, yes. If you can't walk or are retarded then you should be able to walk 10 feet less into the the store than normal people. But, fat moms? NO. I park in every one of those spots when they are free. And I hope that someday a meth mom sees me get out of my car with no rugrats and yells at me for it. Cause I'll tell her that I deserve to park there because I'm NOT populating the world with drug addicted babies by taking birth control and maybe she should consider using it.

One Saturday trip to Lacey....

2009-09-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

I kid you not people, these five pictures are from ONE trip to Lacey this past Saturday afternoon.

Duh, look at this kid. He's the poster child for the Aryan race, of course he's a racist.

This was on one of those Toyota Scions...which is shaped like a box. This vanity plate is like putting a sticker on Star Jones' forehead that says, "Does not have nasty extra skin on upper arms."

Look, I like Lord of the Rings just as much as the next dork...but really? And are they stating that they like Hobbits or that they ARE hobbits???

No, you shuduup. Seriously. Shut up and drive off a cliff.

And last but certainly not least, a man that has fallen asleep in a recliner chair in the middle of Fred Meyer. Really. His eyes were closed and he was sleeping. Go home.

The one I didn't want to write.

2009-08-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve been procrastinating in writing this particular blog. Writing about this makes it real, and it being real makes me pathetic and not feel like myself. But, writing makes things better for me eventually, so here goes….

For as long as I can really remember, sex has defined me in one way or another. Whether it was the story of me wanting to be a stripper at the age of three, being the Aids Queen in middle school health class, being the first to lose my virginity in high school or being the boob flashing eternally single slut throughout the better part of my 20’s. I always had a story about a conquest, a one nighter, a married guy….However, over the past year (exactly one year), it’s been more of the lack of sex that has defined me. Yes, I said it. It’s been a full year since I’ve had sex. Mind numbing at first, not so bad now, but totally confusing the entire time.

Totally confusing because when this “thing” that you’re supposed to be good at, do a lot of, be an all around expert at, leaves your life, you start to forget what it’s like. Sometimes I feel like I really don’t know what two hot naked bodies pressing together actually feels like anymore. And I float between really, really missing it and needing it and not giving a fuck and kinda glad I don’t have a man to deal with and complicate my life. This obviously goes so much deeper than sex. It’s been a year since I’ve had sex, but it’s been about four years since I’ve been in an actual relationship.

The last year has been interesting in other non-sexual aspects of my life. I’ve uprooted my life by quitting my job, deciding to become a nanny and go back to school, having that fail and needing to go back to work, my sister getting engaged and helping her plan her wedding, gaining thirty pounds and not being confident about my body…..I’m kind of a mess. The age old question comes to mind, which came first the chicken or the egg? The celibacy or the life in disarray? Are they even connected? Who knows.

The last two weeks specifically have been a little different. My sister GOT married, my impending 29th birthday....I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I've also done a whole lot of staying in my apartment and not talking to my friends. I've spent this time trying to sort out what it is that I want out of my life. The answer? I don't have a fucking clue.

For now, I want to be happy. I guess that's all we really can ask for out of life. Whether happiness for me includes having a man in my life, a raise at my job, all my bills paid off, a dog, kids, no kids, a house....whatever it includes, that's what I want.

I can't help but think that if I had been fucking someone this whole time, I wouldn't be going through this weird awkward stage I'm going through. I guess it boils down to sex has always been a distraction for me. Now, with it gone I can actually deal with me. Dealing with me is hard, I can be very stubborn and unmotivated. But, luckily I'm smart and not a complete social retard and can actually gain something from this stage of my life.

The fog has begun to lift and I've definitely done some learning and will continue to do so. And hopefully from this, life will hand me what I deserve when it's the right time. But hopefully soon, I'd like to be distracted on a regular basis.

Holy shit, I wish I were this funny.

2009-08-17T16:00:00.001-07:00

From my favorite website: tshirthell.com

America is facing a crisis. I'm not talking about health care, unemployment or even the packs of kangaroos swarming the Midwest and raping everyone in sight. I'm talking about our catchphrase shortage. This nation was built on the strength of our catchphrases. Without "Give me liberty or give me death!" and "The British are coming!" we might as well be Canada or the Bermuda Triangle. That is why it is so important we maintain this heritage of catchphrases.
I was hopeful when Borat had every douche on the planet saying "Very nice!", but it's been three years and that well is dry. So I'm offering new catchphrases. I don't expect to return us to our heyday when "Dy-no-mite"s and "Where's the beef?"s were falling from trees like golden apples, but hopefully with this list and a little effort on your part we can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to half-ass it and just slap together a bunch of random words and nonsensical phrases. I'm going to 51%-ass it and include when and how to use these phrases.)

That's bullshit, Marty! - To be shouted in church every time the pastor pauses.

And rub your junk on it. - State plainly after you've given a waitress your order.

Only one of us is getting out of here without poop in their hair. - Whisper on crowded elevator.

This one's for Jesus! - To be shouted at the exact moment of orgasm.

Skittles and foreskin - Like "Whatever," this is used to show indifference. Like if your wife says she's leaving you after 10 years of marriage... "Skittles and foreskin, man. Skittles and foreskin."

Jangleplatz! - Replacement for "Awesome." Simply because I'm tired of every asshole with the mind of a 14-year-old using some form of "awesome" to describe anything because they're unaware of other adjectives. If people use this, that shit would be jangleplatz. (That sounds awesome.)

Murf da skwaaay! - Not sure, something rappers should say.

Take it all, Becky! - To be angrily yelled while using a public urinal.

I was promised ass-play! - To be shouted at any cashier or sales clerk who asks for payment.

To the reservoir! - Shout at any motorist with his or her window rolled down.

She like-a da turkey bacon. - For women only. To be whispered during gynecological exams.

There's mommy's little buck-buck. - Kneel down and say this when you see a midget.

The dialogue from an episode of Three's Company! - Shout at concerts in place of "Freebird!"

Let's teabag that fucker! - Shout halfway through the eulogy.

Kegels 'til you bleed! - Shout as loud as you can at any person on a cell phone.

Queef on that nigga! - Response when someone disrespects you. And despite the use of "nigga," is to be used on assholes of any race. If someone bumps into you in a bar, whether they're black, white or one of those other gross races, give them a hearty "Queef on that nigga!"

Epiphanys

2009-08-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

Wedding Season has made me think. Think about a lot of things.

My sister was just married this past weekend, and I've spent the past year helping her plan. Helping her plan had convinced me that I'm absolutely not doing things the "normal" way. I'm going to Vegas. Me, my prospective husband and Elvis....sounds awesome to me. But, I started thinking again......but, before I go there, let's go back a week or so.

After going to another wedding the weekend before my sister's, I had two epiphanys...one thanks to Deanna and the other thanks to an eharmony commercial of all things. The first: Maybe people getting married fast or young isn't such a bad thing. Deanna said it best, "maybe they're happy and holding on to the happiness where they can get it." Who the fuck am I to judge that? Cause, I've been single for four years.....they obviously know something I don't. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take back my single years for anything. I've gained valuable knowledge about myself, what I want and what I deserve in this time. However, it also makes me realize that I don't know nearly as much as I thought. Maybe this other couple and my sister have it right. They are happy....why begrudge them of that? No one knows what the future holds, regardless of circumstances. You could wait till you are 45 and have dated for four years and still get divorced a year into the marriage. You just do what feels right at the time, and hope for the best. Life is about learning through all these experiences, good or bad.

Now, the second epiphany: I watch a lot of TV and those stupid eharmony commercials are on all the time. There is one in particular I've always thought is interesting. It is one containing a couple consisting of a black woman and a white man. Now, not that interracial couples don't "go" together, but these two look mismatched to me. You know when you can look at a couple and they look like they make sense? These two don't. But, they are in this eharmony commercial, together and married for a few years and are seemingly very happy together. It made me think. I have this picture in my head of my perfect man, what he should basically look like, and be like. Whenever I've done dating sites in the past, I'll take one look at a picture of a guy and see that he's too skinny or too short, hair too long or a computer programmer and say no way. Well newsflash, I've been single for four years, maybe I should open up my perameters a little and be more accepting of different kinds of guys. I haven't found this "perfect" man and I'm becoming more and more convinced that when I do find him, he won't be anything like how I've envisioned, but he'll still be perfect FOR ME.

So, back to my sister's wedding. I had so much fun and could tell that Kelly and Michael were truly happy and excited to be getting married. As I danced with my dad at the wedding, he asked me "So, what do you think about these two?" I had to be honest and say that I think I've got a much more positive outlook on it all. See, being the Maid of Honor and standing so close to the bride and groom during the ceremony, you hear things you probably aren't supposed to. After Kelly and Michael kissed, they hugged, and I heard Michael whisper in Kelly's ear, "I love you so much." I told my dad this and he agreed with me. I say, if you can convince a couple of sarcastic cynics like my dad and I....there might be hope after all.

I think all this thinking is causing my sleeplessness. I should stop thinking and LIVE.

Attention all gimps and old people

2009-07-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! If you have a limp or walk slowly, don't walk straight down the middle of an aisle at the grocery store. Walk to either the right or the left. That way, normal people can get around you! Oh, and the same goes for when you are walking out of the store. While you are dragging your fucking gimp leg behind you and moving at a goddamn snail's pace, I'm trying to get the fuck out of the store. You are in my way!!!! And old people, you are basically a gimp, just not confined to one part of your body, you just have a gimp body. Pay attention! I'm trying to pull into a parking space and you are SLLLOOOOWWWWLLLLYYY closing your car door and walking across the parking space I'm waiting not so patiently to park in. How about instead of walking at a 45 degree angle away from your vehicle, you take a sharp right and walk along your car to the sidewalk. Huh? Sound like a good idea? Or, you could just fucking call Dr. Kevorkian and kill yourself. You're ready to die anyway, do everyone a favor and do it. I don't want to have to hit you with my car.

Am I the only one in the world that actually pays attention to where I'm going and actively try to stay out of poeple's way? Perk up your ears, turn up the hearing aid and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey chicken humilates me for the first and only time.

2009-06-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

The single most humiliating and depressing thing happened to me yesterday. It was one of those situations that, a) never happens to you. You hear about it happening to someone else and, b) you have a really smart retort or a reaction for the situation banked away in your brain, just in case it ever happens and you fail to use it because you are in shock when it actually happens.

I don’t super enjoy the Chinese food at Ralph’s Thriftway, but it’s close and I’m lazy, therefore it gets eaten about once a week. Well, I made my weekly trip there last night after work and first hit the soda aisle. They have raspberry ginger ale that is super good. I then hit the chocolate aisle and get a Ghirardelli chocolate bar and also some dark M&M’s because I had heard they were being discontinued, which greatly disappointed me. I get allergy medicine and some Rainier cherries, because they looked good and I couldn’t walk out of there looking like I was shopping while stoned. My last stop, China Express. A woman gets in line right behind me while the asian lady behind the counter asks me what I want. I order my honey chicken and my two eggrolls. This is when it happened. The asian lady says, “oh, you teach your baby to like Chinese food?” Yeah, you heard it. The second she says it, I don’t question her meaning. I don’t even hesitate in figuring out what she’s implying. The bitch thinks I’m fucking knocked up. I say back to her, “baby?” while looking her dead in the eyes and I’m sure looking extremely pissed. She then giggles and says (while looking directly at my enormous gut, “oh, I thought you pregnant!” “No, I’m not” I say.

NO I AM NOT. JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST, DID THIS SERIOUSLY JUST HAPPEN TO ME.?????

So, instead of getting indignant and telling her to take her chow mein and shove it up her fucking ass and walking away with no fried food and jogging home instead of driving, I proceed to wait while she finishes up packing up my “food” and walk away toward the check stand with it. Keep in mind that the lady in line behind me, was next to me the whole time listening to this bullshit exchange. So, not only did I have to be humiliated by an ignorant old cunt, but the skinny bitch behind me got to watch me be humiliated.

I go stand in line with my basket full of shame. I’m waiting and staring into my basket thinking to myself, “I should not be purchasing any of this….except the cherries, those can stay.” But do I go put the chocolate back? No. Do I take the honey chicken back to the China Express and throw it kung fu style back at the old cunt? No. I pay for my highly overpriced, underflavored shame food and go home to consume it. And I do. But not all of it. I honestly couldn’t choke all of it down, where under normal circumstances I would have cleaned my plate. Then later on when I grabbed the four dollar candy bar I had bought, I only ate two bites. I just couldn’t do it. I wished I hadn’t bought any of it. I really wish I hadn’t wasted my money.

I didn’t cry. I was pretty proud of myself and quite surprised. I had just had my worst fears and my own twisted image of myself confirmed by a stranger and I didn’t get emotional about it. Until bedtime….that’s when you don’t have the TV or anything else to distract you. I laid there and thought about it all night and cried a little. Just a little. I certainly did not cry myself to sleep, but again, surprised I didn’t.

One of the most disturbing things about this situation is that one of my first thoughts was NOT “wow, I should really hit the gym.” It was “wow, I need to get some clothes that cover up my gut.”

As a result of this I honestly don’t want to go into public anymore. Seriously. I know how people are. The things people think are always worse than what they say. I know, because I’m one of them. I’m the asshole that thinks that some chick should absolutely not be wearing what she’s wearing. Her ass is way to fat for those shorts. Her stomach is hanging out of her shirt or over her pants. I think really mean things about people and of course, I’m the type of person to say it out loud to my friends. I know how people are. And now I know how the fat girl feels. All of my clothes fit me 35 pounds ago, so they are tight. They accentuate the areas that I don’t want accentuated. But, I can’t go buy new fat clothes. Not only can I not afford to do that monetarily, but I can’t afford to do it emotionally. If I go spend money on bigger clothes, to me that means that I’m ok with how my body looks, and I’m going to live with it. And I’m not ok with how my body looks. But in the meantime I’m the fat girl at the grocery store buying fried food and candy while the image of skinny asshole Lisa walks behind me saying to herself, “like she should really be eating that shit. Jesus, get a fucking salad.”

Needless to say, I won’t be eating China Express anymore. The food sucks anyway.

Really?

2009-06-05T15:00:00.001-07:00

THIS is how you chose to spell your name Jhenine? What do you want to bet that this bitch (that works at a weird Hooters wanna be restaurant in Lacey) was born with it spelled Jeanine, like a normal set of parents would spell it. When she hit 21 and realized that her tits could get her somewhere in the world (but not really far enough cause she has a butterface), she decided to change the spelling of her name to something more interesting because she couldn't bring herself to make her personality more interesting.

How you know you are too handicapped to drive....

2009-06-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

...when you can't park properly in the handicapped spot at Fred Meyer.

Cute Guy: Please read this and act on it on August 8th, 2009

2009-06-05T14:53:00.001-07:00

http://www.holytaco.com/how-score-bridesmaid-wedding

His Ass is an Innie

2009-04-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I found this picture on one of my favorite websites: holytaco.com.

Here's the deal. I was at my dad's car race in Tenino last Saturday (don't ask....) and there was a giant girl sitting above us in the stands whose ass and black thong was totally hanging out the back of her pants for all of Tenino to see. I'd venture to guess though that her ass has been viewed by Tenino many times, but that's neither here nor there. What is the fucking deal with this??? I am aware of what my ass and undergarments are doing at all times! Don't you think you'd feel the breeze on your cheeks if your ass was hanging half out of your pants?? I just plain do not understand this phenomenon. And it's not like it's just fat people, it's every type of person. Is there are large population of poeple that rub Anbesol on their asses before they leave their house so they can't feel what's going on down there? I'm perplexed. Does anyone have an answer for me?

If you're gonna beg for money...

2009-04-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

....at least be creative like this guy:

I super love how he left the "C" out of "Scuba". I told him he left it out and the beauty of his sign is that it's a whiteboard, so after I took the picture, he corrected his spelling.

Pride

2009-04-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

Pride is a weird thing. Sometimes it's overrated, like when it comes to doing porn or giving a blowjob for a raise at work....and then other times, it's all you have. That's where I'm at right now. I stuck up for myself at work, and I got fired for it. I could have given in and I'd still have a job....but, it was the right thing to do. So now that I know I have my pride, and I didn't swallow it yesterday for a fucked up employer, today might be the day to go ahead and swallow it. Maybe my life decisions I've been making lately haven't been the wisest. It's time to admit that I made a mistake and fix it, fix my life. Stop hiding from my responsibilities and face them head on. Get my shit together before I start playing. Yeah, I think it's time.

Have you ever seen two frogs hump?

2009-03-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Now you have...

Let's play a game called, "What's wrong with this picture?"

2009-03-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

This has the potential to be the longest blog post in history if we want to really start listing all the things wrong with this picture. But, I'll try to keep it short for the reader's creativity sake. Feel free to contribute your own comments on what is wrong with this fat bitch.

1. The obvious: if you are that fat, should you be eating at Burger King? There are two ways to look at this. a) NO. b) You're already a huge disappointment to the world, why not have another Whopper?

2. You can't hide the fact that you are a huge beast, but you can hide where you've been by taking off that blinking arrow of a crown. Those are for kids by the way. You had to lumber your lard ass up there and ask for a paper crown large enough to fit around your swollen cabasa....do they make special ones for frequent customers?

3. If your tits are big enough to hold a Big Gulp.....at least have the dignity to make some money off of them.

My new hobby

2009-03-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

I like to go to google images and type in random words and see the funny-ness that ensues. The following picture was found when I typed in "Mexican Fart."

I SUPER don't like Peyton Manning, so this is pretty accurate to me even though the lay person might not necessarily think of "Peyton Manning" and "Mexican Fart" as being synonymous.

Next, I typed "Gay Gorilla."

Finally, I typed "Spunk."

This one is funnier to me than the Peyton Manning Mexican Fart. I would love to have the money and resources to ruin things that thousands of people see on a daily basis. If I ever win the lottery, I think I'll just make it my life's work to "punk" everyone in Olympia and eventually the world.

I'm so glad I'm not 19 anymore.....

2009-03-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Look, I have a lot of weaknesses and faults when it comes to dating and men....but Jesus Christ. Does this girl not have girlfriends to ask about this? Oh, and just because I'm a super bitch....did this girl attend school at all? Was she too busy giving the douchebag in question too many blowjobs under the bleachers to attend English class? Did she not learn how to correctly form a sentence or spell? And note how she uses the word, "inedible". She uses it in place of "inevitable". What a fucking idiot.

Application for Boyfriend

2009-03-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

I keep up with several funny blog websites. One of my favorites is holytaco.com. They posted an entry with a Girlfriend Application that was pretty funny. I was inspired and created my own Boyfriend Application in response. It took me awhile to figure out how to convert my excel spreadsheet to a picture to get it on here...but I eventually got here. Luckily I have no life and the time to do these kinds of things. First the holy taco entry:

Now, my masterpiece:

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for this one. I wish more than 4 people read my blog.....

Funny shit

2009-03-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

So, on a daily basis I wish at least once that I carried my camera with me at all times. I like to observe and watch people and things and I invariably end up seeing pretty funny, fucked up or interesting things. Mostly funny and fucked up, which makes them interesting. The other day I saw a super beefed up Jeep Cherokee. Not only did it have a sweet bumping system (note the sarcasm there) (which, also by the way, did these systems not go totally out of style once I graduated high school 10 years ago...I thought they did. I must be wrong), but it had ENORMOUS truck tires and a lift kit. You seriously would need a step ladder to get into this Cherokee. This was one of the most retarded things I'd seen in a long time. It's one thing to try to make up for your small dick by having a giant truck that you have to lift to the sky, but when you inherit a fucking Jeep Cherokee from your mom (who is unarguably more of a man than you) and have to lift IT to the sky....there are some serious problems here. This is more that a case of small dick-itis...it very well could be a case of your balls not having yet dropped-itis. So anyway, I wished I had my camera when I saw this "vehicle" so that I could post it on my blog and note what a douche the driver is.

Today I saw a car with a license plate frame that read "Vietnam Era Vetran". Yeah, veteran is spelled wrong. It was spelled wrong on the frame. I tried to take a picture of it with my cell phone, but I couldn't zoom in far enough to clearly get the words. So, either the veteran is an idiot or the person that made the frame is an idiot or both. I'll venture to say that one or both fucked too many syphillitic vietnamese hookers over there in the jungle.

In conclusion, I will be carrying my camera with me at all times from now on and I will try to take pictures of the retarded things and people I see and I will humiliate them here on my blog.

Facebook Friends

2009-02-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

This is probably going to sound snobby, bitchy and rude....but when has that ever stopped me before, right?

I realize that sites like myspace and facebook are for connecting with friends, coworkers, family and reconnecting with people you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. And I appreciate that, I really do. I have two issues with this however....

Issue One: We were friends in high school, you request me as a friend to "reconnect" (so I think), I write you an email or wall message to say that it's good to hear from you....and then nothing. I get no response. Why did you request me as a friend if you in fact have no interest in connecting with me? Look, I super don't care if you care about me, but don't act as if you do by sending me a friend request. I have deleted about 6 people from my friends list on Facebook due to this. Don't bother, if you're not going to talk to me. It's really pointless.

Issue Two: I have gotten a few friend requests from people that I knew of but never actually had a conversation with in high school. Again, why are you requesting me as a friend? In this situation, I know for sure that you won't be writing me asking what I've been up to, because you didn't know what I was up to 10 years ago when we were in English together. I seriously don't get it. So, I deny these requests. Bitchy? Yes. Rude? Maybe. Practical? Definitely.

Look, if we haven't talked in 10 years, there's probably a reason. Let's go ahead and leave things the way they are. I'm happy with it.

Reason number one why I'm not sure I'll be attending my 10 year high school reunion this summer: See above.

Other people's misery makes me want to do cartwheels

2009-02-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

Oh Jesus....maybe you are real. Maybe you decided to perform a real miracle just to prove to me that you are in fact the messiah.....

Doubtful, but I'm still happy nonetheless! I got a random email from Jim the married guy just a few short minutes ago. He asked me if I'd like to see his divorce papers. Before writing him back I checked the divorce announcements at The Olympian online....lo and behold. Ah, satisfaction.

See, the last time was saw each other was in July. After that rendezvous, we made plans to meet up again the next week. I never heard from him again (I know, story of my life, right?). I figured he had seriously pussed out and gone back to the psycho bitch. Not that I know she's a bitch, I mean my only view of her is what I had heard from Jim. And I'm sure he exaggerated in order to stay in my pants. The reason I thought this was two fold. One, he's a pussy. Two, he had his wedding ring on when he came over to my house that last night in July. I laughed when I saw it and asked him what the hell he was doing wearing it. He came up with some lame excuse about wearing it for a meeting with their lawyers to make himself look like a good guy. Retarded.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since July. HE didn't call ME. And he has the balls to write me an email 8 months later???? I think he might actually be the biggest douche I've ever known.

So in conclusion, hurray for divorce and I hope she took him to the cleaners. Not that he really had much to take......

Afterthought.....I just realized that the truly awesome part of this, is that I have absolutely no interest in hooking back up with him. I can think of a million things I'd rather do that even see him. I feel pretty darn good about that!

Was I not clear enough when I said to shove your friendship up your ass???

2009-02-16T17:09:00.000-08:00

I thought it was a pretty clear indication that I didn't want to be your fucking friend. You hurt me and didn't want to date me and I'm supposed to want to be friends with you? Oh, and it really upsets you that I don't want to be your buddy? I could not possibly care less that you are upset. In fact, I'm HAPPY that you're upset. Although, I suspect that you also couldn't care less if you're actually friends with me.

Oh, AND.... texting me on Valentine's Day.....the one day of the year designed to make me feel worthless for being single (which I didn't until you texted me) would definitely NOT be the ideal day to contact me and wonder why we can't be friends. You just seriously don't get it, do you?

I officially hate texting. You get to say what you want without actually having to be a man and face the people you're "communicating" with. Plus, you get to assign context to what you're saying that people inevitably take completely OUT of context and it confuses everything and everybody. It's a pussy form of technology and I want to boycott it.

The girls and I went to see He's Just Not that into You yesterday. In it, Drew Barrymore's character says that now we have to endure being rejected by 7 different technologies now and that it's exhausting. Could not be more true.

IF I were to ever consider being your friend, which I'm not, it would require you having balls. The balls to tell me the truth about what happened. And the balls to do more than text, Happy Valentine's Day Lisa.

Fuck you and the Army tank you rode in on.

I'm not sure how I feel about this....

2009-01-22T11:23:00.001-08:00

So, a couple of posts ago I wrote about a fella I briefly dated. The "it's you, not me" guy (he also inspired The Difference Between a Dude and a Man).....The guy that wouldn't give me a decent reason as to why he didn't want to date me and only wanted to be my friend. ALL my friends said there was another girl. I honestly didn't think so. There was no evidence that was clear to me at all. But, they said that red flag was the fact that he never answered the phone when I called. I always had to leave a message and he called me back.

Well...I think they were right. Even though I told him to take his friendship and shove it up his ass (mainly because I REALLY liked him and it hurt me that he didn't return the feeling), I have been curious about him. His facebook and myspace profiles are both public (Believe me, I know I sound like a stalker, but I seriously get bored at work). There are pictures of him at some scenic mountain place nearby and there are pictures of a girl with him.

Again, I don't know how I feel about this. I wasn't totally shocked when I saw them, I have no right to be mad, we're not even friends at this point. But, it was disappointing. Granted, pictures of a female don't prove that they are fucking...but, you kind of have to assume.

It sucks to be rejected, and it sucks worse to be rejected for someone that isn't even very attractive. Ok, that's my bitterness coming out. That's not very nice, Lisa. Look, I've been single a long fucking time and this was the first (not married) guy IN A VERY LONG TIME that showed some promise. I got excited about him, I really liked him...and it didn't work.

I've determined one thing in my singledom....being single does not suck. In fact, being single is pretty cool. I answer to no one. I can leave dirty dishes in my sink as long as I please, do whatever the fuck I want when I want to. It's DATING that sucks serious elephant balls.

Boo!!!

I'm so fucking pissed right now!!!

2009-01-21T16:41:00.000-08:00

My "friend" Waylon left the STATE. Without saying good bye to me!! He had been planning this for months and didn't know exactly when he was going to leave. But, what was planned is that we would get together and hang out one last time before he left.

Well, I just got a text from him stating that he owes me an apology. I said, for what? He said, for leaving without saying good bye. Who knows how long he's been gone.

Look, we're not best friends. We don't hang out all the time, in fact we rarely get together. But, I've always been there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on because some bitch dumped him. But, if you call someone a friend...AND IF YOU MAKE PLANS TO HANG OUT BEFORE YOU MOVE...Then fucking call the person before you leave. How hard is it?

Am I a bad person?

2009-01-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

I like to look at the announcements in the Olympian every week, engagements, births, divorces...etc.

Today I saw a name I recognized in divorces. I already knew they had split up, but to see it in print made me laugh. The guy is a total dick and the woman is a super biotch. So, I'm not a bad person for laughing at their misery, right????

Our new President

2009-01-20T11:08:00.001-08:00

I'm so in love with Obama. I realize that our country has set VERY high expectations on him and have exalted him almost to the level of the next messiah. But, I do believe that he represents the one thing that this country used to be known for and has forgotten in recent decades. Change. The earliest settlers in this country, the ones who came here for religious freedom came here in search of change. We've fought wars for change. We've staged peaceful sit ins for change. We've voted for change. The fact that this is our first black president is both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate for obvious reasons that I shouldn't have to even begin to list. But, also unfortunate because of the fact that it is a big deal. It shouldn't be. Race should not be a factor. Race is insignificant in whether a person is equal to the next. But it is...in this case. Now, maybe in the future, our next black president will not be seen as significant because he is black but because of the political promises he makes and keeps. This will happen again when we see our first woman president, our first latino president, our first asian president...etc. But nothing will compare to the moment that our country shared today. The moment that our country finally said, "Ok, now is the time to change after years of stagnancy. Finally. Finally."

And for me personally, raised in a generation of people who loathe our government and it's processes, a generation of people who are anything but patriotic, a generation of people who will do anything but work or take responsibility for our actions, we've been given a proverbial slap in the face. And, finally, I am proud to be an American.

The two worst music videos ever made.

2009-01-20T11:06:00.001-08:00

No really, they are. Just watch. Your head will explode.

Lack of Rants

2009-01-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

So, I got a complaint last night that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time. "We love your rants!" you shout. Well, the truth is that I haven't had much to rant about.....shockingly. Things in my life are going quite well. But, I do have one tiny rant: Difficult friendships. Shouldn't our friendships be the one thing in our lives that are easy??? You can always count on them to hear your problems, share a laugh, share a drink, share memories. Am I alone in thinking that if you're constantly in conflict with a friend or at least having frequent "heavy moments" with them, that you may as well have a boyfriend???

I have one friend who won't return my phone calls or text messages, yet sends me stupid chain emails. I KNOW for a fact that once I do hear from her, she'll pull her classic line: "I didn't get any messages, I swear. My phone doesn't work." This excuse has been a staple of hers for a good 10 years. Get a new excuse and fucking return my calls!!!!

Then there are the friends that have so much drama in their lives that it starts spilling over into your life. Look, I'm all for friends helping each other out during difficult times. God knows that I depend on my own friends for comfort and just to listen to me when I'm down or going through something difficult. And this particular friend has certainly always been there for me and helped me immensely. HOWEVER....when your friend that depends on you explicitly for hearing about her crappy life and how she doesn't want to live it anymore gets mad at you for dispensing advice, that she seemingly asked for...it's time for a break. Then when an appropriate amount of time has passed for a break and she reaches out to you to talk about things, you make plans to do so and then she breaks those plans to....do what exactly??? Nothing. She changed her mind. She changed her fucking mind about your friendship is how I interpret that. It's a power play, and to me, in any relationship NO ONE should hold the power. By canceling our talk, she had made it clear to me where I stand in importance in her life. Therefore, she's no longer important to me.

There comes a point when friends can't help each other anymore. When talking about your feelings and crying on her shoulder doesn't work. This becomes the time when you have to GET A FUCKING GRIP ON YOUR LIFE AND HELP YOURSELF and also recognize that the people in your life can't take on your depression as their own.

In my position, the only way I could figure out how to save myself was to let her go.

Suffice it to say my life has been quite peaceful so far in this new year without other people's drama casting a cloud.

So there it is Happy Hour friends...my rant. Happy now?

GREAT article about Gay marriage and the Bible....

2008-12-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Brought to my attention by my friend Kris.....I'm actually considering picking up the bible and reading it. I'd like to be able to accurately defend what I believe is right and use the bible to argue MY points and throw them in the face of the right (or my grandma). Too many people are using what is supposed to be a book of faith and love to inspire hate and discrimination. If Jesus was real, I'm sure he's rolled over in his grave a million times by now.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653/page/1

It's you, not me....

2008-12-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it IS you and not me. Cause I'm awesome. And even though it was your lame excuse, you ARE fucked up. And by the way, YOU ANSWERED MY AD!!!!!!! If you're soooo fucked up that I shouldn't want to date you, then don't answer ads that clearly state the the woman is looking for a relationship.

Oh, and calling all douchebags: If you don't want to date a girl and just "want to be friends"....you should make that clear to them, so they don't just think you're being a tool and not calling her.

Jesus H. Fucking Christ.....dating sucks monkey balls. Whatever.

The difference between a dude and a man.

2008-12-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

Dude....whatever.

After 12 years of dating dudes, I'm ready to date a man. Now, you may be asking what the difference between a dude and a man is....aren't they the same thing? No, they are not. They couldn't be more different in fact. Let me explain.

When dating a dude, there are a few things to look out for:

1. Dudes usually have very little real relationship experience. They've usually dated "girls" as opposed to "women". (If I need to explain these differences, then we've really got problems). "Girls" put up with bullshit. "Women", by and large, do not. The dude/girl relationship usually ends when the dude has exhausted all his bullshit on a girl and thinks she's pathetic for dealing with it as long as she has. Even though this is what attracted the dude to the girl in the first place. Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to. These are dudes we're talking about.

2. Because of this lack of relationship experience, dudes also have a lack of dating etiquette. Even if a dude likes you, he needs to act "cool guy." "Cool guy" consists of not showing consistent interest in a woman. He believes that not coming out and expressing that he likes the woman and wants to spend time with her and get to know her makes him seem like a man. He is protecting his feelings. Because as everyone knows, feeling are for pussies....and fags. This is counterproductive. In the real world, a "cool guy" is someone who isn't afraid to just lay his feelings on the line. Dude will call and talk to you for several hours and express extreme interest in you on a Monday, but then not call again all week until say, Friday or Saturday and want to hang out that same night. This is a tactic devised to make you feel like you're "taking crazy pills." It confuses the woman. Monday's call gets her excited. "Yay, he likes me!" she thinks. But no call all week causes her to think, "Aww man, I thought he liked me. Darn." Then the call on the weekend is just plain unacceptable. Calling the day of to make plans is a complete and total lack of respect for the woman's time. Dude does this because he was hoping for something or someone better to come along all week. When he realizes that no one else likes him, he calls the woman. In most cases, she will acquiesce and go on a date with him. This sets an unhealthy precedent.

Now, I'm not one to think that a man has to do all the work in the dating phase of a relationhip. A woman should by all means, pick up the phone and call a man just as much as he calls her. But, when dating a Dude, the woman inevitably ends up doing all the calling. Again, we're back to the "crazy pills." A woman will eventually get sick of doing all the calling and give up. After not receiving any phone calls from Dude for a lengthy amount of time, she assumes he's not interested. This saddens her, but she moves on. Then, out of nowhere, Dude will call. This tactic is called "fucking retarded." He will ask why he hasn't heard from you in forever. You will reply, "well, you didn't call me either." He will come up with some lame excuse like he lost his cell phone or he thought you didn't like him anymore, or he thought you were mad at him for something. Ladies, do not fall for this seriously douchebag move!! It was designed to manipulate and confuse the woman. And, in almost 100% of the time, it works!

Now when dating a man, there are also a few things to look out for:

1. If the Man likes you, he'll call you. He won't wait a week and a half. He'll usually call within two days of meeting you to set up a date. This date is usually scheduled a good two to three days in advance. This tactic also shows a respect for your time. Ladies, please don't be alarmed by this bold move. His intentions are good at this point.

2. If the Man likes you, he will tell you. I know, this is the most shocking one of all. A Man expressing his feelings? Unheard of!! And probably gay! No, not gay, and not unheard of. It really happens.

3. There are also a lot of little, yet significant things to look out for. Such as being on time for dates, being nice to your friends, holding your hand in public...etc.

You may be asking, why are there such differences and why can't all Dudes be Men? Well, just as all Women are first Girls, all Men are first Dudes. Men usually become Men when as a Dude, they accidentally date a Woman who puts them in their place and explains to them why they are such a douchnozzle.

Also, it helps to have been in love and have your heart broken at least once. This goes for both girls and dudes. Experiencing this love and then pain gives you new perspective on how to treat people.

Life is too short to be strung along.....plus, Karma is a bitch.

Tucker Max and my sex life

2008-11-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

As a woman, I'm not supposed to like this guy. He's a quintessential asshole. He's incredibly attractive and knows it, he drinks to excess that would probably kill most people and more importantly when he does drink (and doesn't for that matter), he has sex with all kinds of women and then treats them horribly. But....I would fuck him in a hot second. As I am an aspiring writer of my sexual conquests/weird love life and he is my hero for this reason, I would love to end up being one of his conquests and have a story titled after me on his website (tuckermax.com). This would be my shining day. Forget heaven or winning the lottery, I'd have some made up nickname derived from some physical attribute of mine or something stupid that I said....he'd fuck me, and then force me to leave through the window or puke on me or steal my clothes and I'd have to walk home naked. And then he'd write about it.

As I will do with so many of the guys that I've experienced really terrible sex with, who were just plain out of their fucking heads. Yes, I'll give them nicknames or just change their names altogether. But, my friends will know who they are...and more importantly....they know who they are.

Like the guy that didn't bother to tell me that the condom came off at some point during sex. And I found it days later.....when it finally came out of me. The name of this poor schmuck (who was also the worst lay EVER) will be changed, but if he reads it....he'll know. Oh, he'll know.

So, in conclusion...Tucker Max, if you are ever in Olympia, WA....I will totally do you. And I'll try my best to make it interesting enough to write about.

Oh, and check out his website tuckermax.com and read his book, "I hope they serve beer in hell" and then watch the movie version when it comes out in Spring 2009.

More Dan Savage/Gay Marriage

2008-11-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

And yet again, Dan Savage shows his extreme mental superiority

2008-11-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

D.L. Hughley is a fucking idiot. I have a real problem with any minority thinking they can discriminate against another minority...do they have no empathy??? Other minorities should be the FIRST in line behind the gays supporting their right to be treated equally under the eyes of the law.

I fucking LOVE San Savage!!!

2008-11-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

Washington prisons settle lost penis case

2008-11-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

Associated Press • Published November 18, 2008

SEATTLE – A Mason County man who lost his penis to flesh-eating bacteria in prison has won a $300,000 settlement from the Washington Department of Corrections.

The 61-year-old man, Charlie Manning, told The Seattle Times on Monday that he settled because he wants the ordeal to be over. The department said in a statement it settled to save the cost of litigation.

Manning was serving time in 2004 for threatening a neighbor. When he became ill at the Stafford Creek prison near Aberdeen it was diagnosed as a reaction to cold medicine.

By the time Manning was airlifted to a Seattle hospital with an internal abscess, doctors had to remove several pounds of flesh from his pelvic region.

Surgeons made a replacement penis with skin from his thigh.

Awesome....that's all I can say. Thoughts?

Pics of me as Sarah Palin

2008-11-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

Like my crazy eyes?

The Maverick and her bitches. In case you can't read it, my sash says, "Miss Stupid Cunt Alaska."

Sarah Palin and downsie babies...

2008-11-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

This is a video Josie took of me trying to downs out the baby doll I carried with me on Halloween this year, as I was of course the best Sarah Palin in Olympia, WA!!! It's hilarious and offensive.

Hallelujah! This is what I’m talking about people....

2008-11-17T16:28:00.002-08:00

Posted November 15, 2008 | 06:12 PM (EST)

Geoffrey R. Stone

Democracy, Religion and Proposition 8

How can a free society reconcile the often competing values of democracy, religious liberty and the separation of church and state? This challenge was vividly illustrated by the recent controversy over California's Proposition 8, which forbade same-sex marriage.

In a democracy, the majority of citizens ordinarily may enact whatever laws they want. Some laws, however, are prohibited by the Constitution. For example, the majority of citizens may want a law denying African-Americans the right to vote or prohibiting Muslims from attending public schools, but such laws violate the Constitution.

Does Proposition 8 violate the Constitution? There are several arguments one might make for this position. One might argue that Proposition 8 discriminates against gays and lesbians in violation of the Equal Protection Clause. One might argue that Proposition 8 unconstitutionally limits the fundamental right to marry. One might argue that Proposition 8 violates the separation of church and state. It is this last argument that interests me.

Laws that violate the separation of church and state usually take one of two forms. Either they discriminate against certain religions ("Jews may not serve as jurors"), or they endorse particular religions ("school children must recite the Lord's Prayer"). Proposition 8 does not violate the principle of separation of church and state in either of these ways. It neither restricts religious freedom nor endorses religious expression.

What it does do, however, is to enact into law a particular religious belief. Indeed, despite invocations of tradition, morality and family values, it seems clear that the only honest explanation for Proposition 8 is religion. This is obvious not only from the extraordinary efforts undertaken by some religious groups to promote Proposition 8, but also from the very striking voting patterns revealed in the exit polls.

Proposition 8 was enacted by a vote of 52% to 48%. Those identifying themselves as Evangelicals, however, supported Proposition 8 by a margin of 81% to 19%, and those who say they attend church services weekly supported Proposition 8 by a vote of 84% to 16%. Non-Christians, by the way, opposed Proposition 8 by a margin 85% to 15% and those who do not attend church regularly opposed Proposition 8 by a vote of 83% to 17%.

What this tells us, quite strikingly, is that Proposition 8 was a highly successful effort of a particular religious group to conscript the power of the state to impose their religious beliefs on their fellow citizens, whether or not those citizens share those beliefs. This is a serious threat to a free society committed to the principle of separation of church and state.

The Framers of the American Constitution knew that throughout human history religious self-righteousness has caused intolerance, discrimination and injustice. They understood that religious self-righteousness is dangerous, divisive and destructive, and that it has led to untold ignorance and misery. It was for that reason that they embedded in our Constitution a fundamental commitment to the separation of church and state.

The Framers were not anti-religion. They understood that religion could help to nurture the public morality necessary to a self-governing society. But religion was to be fundamentally private. It was for the individual. It was not to intrude unduly into the political sphere.

But here's the rub: From a strictly legal perspective, it is next to impossible for courts to enforce the separation of church and state in the context of laws like Proposition 8. When a law does not directly restrict religious activity or expressly endorse religious expression, it is exceedingly difficult for courts to sort out the "real" motivations behind the law. As a consequence, courts are loath to invalidate laws on the ground that they enact a particular religious faith.

This does not end the inquiry, however. Courts also have difficulty in dealing with laws that do not expressly discriminate on the basis of race or religion or gender, but that were motivated by racial, religious or gender prejudice. But we know - as an essential part of our national character - that we as citizens should not support laws because they advance our discriminatory biases about race, religion, and gender. We know that it is un-American for us to enact laws because they implement our prejudices. We know that it is our responsibility to be tolerant, self-critical and introspective about our own values and beliefs and to strive to achieve our highest national aspirations.

The separation of church and state is one of those aspirations. Indeed, regardless of whether courts can intervene in this context, it is as un-American to violate the separation of church and state by using the power of the state to impose our religious beliefs on others as it is to use the power of the state to impose our discriminatory views of race, religion or gender on others.

This is the fundamental point that the religious advocates of Proposition 8 fail to comprehend. Like other citizens, they are free in our society to support laws because they believe those laws serve legitimate ends, including such values as tradition, general conceptions of morality, and family stability. But they are not free - not if they are to act as faithful American citizens - to impose their religious views on others. That is, quite simply, un-American.

This is not to say that individuals cannot attempt to persuade others freely to embrace and to act in accord with their religious beliefs. The First Amendment gives us virtually absolute protection to preach, proselytize and evangelize. But the fundamental point about religious liberty in the United States is that it is private. Christian Evangelicals have every right to try to persuade others to accept and abide by their beliefs. But they have no right - indeed, they violate the very spirit of the American Constitution - when they attempt to conscript the authority of the state to compel those who do not share their religious beliefs to act as if they do.

I love you grandma, but seriously....

2008-11-17T16:28:00.001-08:00

...this is why I hate religion.

I received this retarded religious propaganda email from my dear grandma today. She knows I'm am NOT religious in any way, and she is. We respect each others beliefs for the most part, mostly by not discussing our opposing views. Knowing we'll never change each others minds (which I'm not even interested in doing to her), we agree to disagree. I love my grandma with all my heart and usually just hit delete when I get stuff like this from her. When I received this email today, I forwarded it to a couple friends saying, look at the crap my grandma just sent me. But then I had a thought. I don't send her emails about my beliefs, or non-beliefs as they are, I know that she would be offended and not appreciate them in the least. So I don't do it. Plus I'm not in the business of "converting" people to atheism. Those are my thoughts and beliefs and I recognize that everyone else in the world has theirs, and has a right to them. So, while she has the right to believe what she believes and I don't harass her about it or preach to her in anyway, why don't I get the same respect???? So, I wrote her an email asking her to stop sending me that stuff.

The difference between hard core Christians and Atheists or Agnostics in my opinion, is that alot or most Christians are NOT truly tolerant. They want everyone to believe what they believe. I want everyone to have their beliefs, whatever they may be, and keep them to themselves and only share when asked. And DON'T write your religious code into the laws of this country that govern EVERYBODY, not just the Christians.

So, the overall message of the email, which is below, is that the Christians having their right to express their beliefs taken away by left wing America. No, we don't want to take your right to express your beliefs away. We do want it to stay out of our courtrooms and schools. And BY LAW, you can't have them there in those two places anyway.

If you want the right to practice your religion, then I want the right to not have you try to force your religion on me. This country was founded on the basis of religious freedom, not Christianity. Religious freedom. You have it, why can't I??

Wow, I'm pissed. Sounds like I need a nap.

Here is the email she sent me, which I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't actually approve of. Oh, and I like how it ends with "Need I say more?":

The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama . Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip his right to practice law in Alabama ! The judge's poem sums it up quite well.

America the beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.

Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.

Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine
choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain

From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray

We've kept God in our
temples, how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.

We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges;
who throw reason out the door,

Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But br ave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.

You think that God's not
angry, that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?

How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?

If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:

Then God will hear from Heaven;
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.

But, America the Beautiful,
If you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.

~~Judge Roy Moore~~

This says it all. May we all forward this message and offer our prayers for Judge Moore to be blessed and for America to wake up and realize what we need to do to keep OUR America the Beautiful.

Pass this on and let's lift Judge Moore up in Prayer. He has stood firm and needs our support.

IN GOD WE TRUST!

NEED I SAY MORE?????

This evil cruel world

2008-10-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

From Feb 2008:

So, I went over to my grandma's house last night to visit for a minute. My cousin was there with his girlfriend and their new baby. I have MANY issues with this.

They named the poor child Miley Mae Maynard. Seriously.
My cousin is 24 years old, this is his THIRD child (the first two he's not allowed to see).
He's already been divorced from baby momma 1 (who is a crackhead and has abandoned aforementioned children and left them with her mother who does not allow my cousin to see them).
The current baby momma is 19 years old.
My cousin is socially retarded and cannot hold down a real job, although he as been for several months now (ever since he got shot in May, he's been able to get some perspective on life. Right.)

He doesn't deserve to have children for all the reasons above.

Hey retards! Just because you are physically able to procreate, doesn't mean you should!!!!!!!

This is why there is no god. The people who are the LAST ONES ON EARTH WHO SHOULD EVER RAISE CHILDREN are the ones popping them out. The ones who would actually raise a decent, hardworking, moral, contributing child are the ones who have to spend $20,000 on in vitro fertilization or adoption.

By the way, when you already have two children you can't see or support, wouldn't you invest in some condoms???? Just a thought….

And if you are a young woman dating a "man" who has two children he can't see or support, and doesn't have job, wouldn't you get on the pill??? Just another thought…..

I am utterly flabbergasted at the way this world works sometimes. I've always believed that there is a reason for everything. What possible reason can there be for three poor innocent children being brought into the world with absolutely no chance for success in their lives due to their lack of functioning parents?

Just an afterthought and to give some perspective on this situation, my cousin's father, my Uncle Mark passed away in 2003. He was an alcoholic who married a schizophrenic and they produced my cousin. Mark Jr. was passed back and forth between Missouri where his mother lived and my uncle here in Washington. He never got a proper education; he is dyslexic, ADD and ADHD, and CANNOT READ OR WRITE. I suspect he also has Asberger's, but nothing has been diagnosed. He was raised poorly and therefore has passed along that tradition of terrible parenting and bad choices. My uncle was a good man, but not meant to be a parent.

Why can't we all be born sterile and have to take a test at some point in order to be allowed to conceive???

Karma and Balls

2008-10-29T16:28:00.001-07:00

From April 2008...

Well, for those of you who know me, you probably remember the infamous Brant. I posted a blog about him more than a year ago. I dated him for a short time, during which he couldn't get it up and showed personal pictures of me to mutual coworkers. I happened to have a picture of his dick, so in my eloquent blog I posted that pic plus the town he lived in and that no one should do him, cause he doesn't function. Then to top the whole thing off, I ended up receiving a phone call from his GIRLFRIEND that he was living with the whole time we were dating. Anyway....onto karma and balls.....

I had happy hour with some past coworkers tonight and one of those past coworkers shared a lovely story with me. Apparently Brant was involved in a bar fight this past weekend and in the process of getting his ass thoroughly kicked, his opponent kicked him in his balls. Quite hard I'm assuming because poor little Brant ended up in the hospital to HAVE ONE OF HIS BALLS REMOVED!!!!!!!!

If that isn't karma....I don' t know what is.

Is it bad that I'm happy???

I hate people that are happy.

2008-10-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

Why is everyone getting married and having babies???? It's like an onslaught, my eyes and mind are being raped with the image of women in their wedding dresses and posing with their pregnant bellies and changing their myspace name to "Mrs. Douchenozzle". Like anyone fucking cares about your retarded baby, that quite frankly isn't as cute as you think he or she is. Plus, they'll probably end up gay or a tranny. You should be so proud. And, I know that you are super excited about having just married some douchebag that is a plumber or some equally degrading profession, but you're gonna get divorced in like 5 years. That's reality. And if you make it beyond those 5 years, you'll end up fat and covered in stretch marks from having four of the douche's babies while he's out fucking...me. Yes, me. You heard it. I'm the one married guys like to screw around with. Do you know why, faithful wives? Because I'm not you. And because I'll let a guy come on my face...but that's neither here nor there. Here's the cold hard truth, if you are truly happy and content with your life, do you need to parade it all over myspace? So that some meth head that you used to go to high school with 10 years ago can comment on your pics and act as if they are happy for you? In reality, they pity you because they get to do drugs and have sex and you don't. But don't worry, you can do that after you get divorced and your ex-spouse gets custody of your mentally challenged kids.

For the record, for those of you that know me, know that I do want to have kids and get married some day. That still remains. However, I do not plan to wipe my poopy business all over the myspace community if either of those things happen for me.

I know, myspace is stupid. I'm trying really hard to stop, but it's like crack.

Football Haters

2008-10-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

Look, I get that you don't like football. Fine. I never used to until a couple of years ago. But, I do. So, I put a Seahawks screensaver on my computer, a Seahawks background on my myspace page...etc. I don't ask you to watch it with me, invite you to games, etc. So, if you don't like it, don't fucking look at my page!!! You may be one of my best friends, but it fucking bothers me when you give me shit about something that I genuinely love. Do I give you shit about the things you love? NO. So shut up.